Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Tis The Season To Throw Down

In the spirit of the season, my blog today will be dedicated solely to things that piss me off. Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "I don't have the patience or back strength to sit here for 3 days reading, so could I get the condensed version?" Yes, my friend, like a dedicated Cuban with milk, I shall now provide you with the condensed version of my favorite thing: bitching. And so, here is a list of things that really get under my skin, and because I love all of you so much, I've decided to make it the Holiday edition. Merry Chrismahannukquanzukah, and Happy Reading!!

1. People who go out shopping during the 14 days before Christmas and take their sweet ass time. This tops the list because there is nothing more nerve racking and more likely to bring out some one's homicidal tendencies than a person who insists on walking as slow as is humanly possible through a mall, department store, grocery store, or other venue of Holiday supplies. I want to know who these people think they are. Why are they aimlessly wandering the aisles of sparkling green and red crap looking like lost children about to cry for their Mothers? Why are they not at home on their computers doing their shopping online and paying the extra $2,000 to get their packages here by Christmas Eve? Because obviously they lack the crucial ability to make split second decisions like: Peppermint or Chocolate? Small or Medium? Fur or Leather? Battery operated or Plug in? If you cannot decide in a nanosecond flat how many of those bookmarks that play Christmas carols when you open the page, that people will never use again, to buy as stocking stuffer for your third cousin twice removed....get the hell out of my way because I still have socks with tassels to pick out.

2. People who use the Holidays in a vain attempt to cover up their lack of manners. There are very few people that call my office, or bump into me in the street, or steal the last Cosmo Magazine right out from under me that I don't feel the urge to ask for their Mother's phone number so that I can call the woman up and ask her just what the hell she was thinking when she told her children it was OK to act that way. People seem to be inherently rude these days. Which is fine, if they own up to being rude. Like, just admit that you have an attitude problem. But do not, after just having acted like our consultation fee is a personal attack on you, or telling me that because your file is not sitting right next to me on my desk even though you haven't been a client for 3 years that I'm being irresponsible or am somehow incompetent, wish me a Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays. You don't mean it. In fact, I'm pretty sure that you mean the opposite of that. You're probably hoping that I'll get caught in an unwieldy set of lights and be strangled while carolers are outside my door humming silent night.

3. Parents who take their children Christmas shopping. Stop yelling at your children in the aisles like a pack of animals. They're children. They're genetically hardwired to like candy, stuffed animals, and anything that you can't afford. You chose to take them with you on your quest for the cheapest digital frame made. It's not their fault that you and your spouse/baby-daddy or mama can't divide household responsibilities and avoid this drama by having one parent stay home with the kids and the other go out shopping alone. Everytime I see you out there, in your hideous sweaters and birkenstocks, I'm tempted to buy whatever it is your brat wants and give it to them right then and there, just to spite you.

4. Party hosts who insist on doing gift exchange. I have no desire to fain excitement at the sight of yet another fruit cake. Nor do I wish to be expected to express delight over some hack's wayward attempt at "crafting". Forced gift exchange is bullshit. Like writing papers or studying for an exam, I am only good at buying gifts for people that I care about. It's as simple as that. The reason being that if I don't care about you then I probably have not spent the time necessary to get to know you, and therefore have no idea what the hell you want for Christmas. I also don't appreciate being put in the very awkward situation of having to pretend to like something I hate. I don't do dishonest emotions well. While my words may say "I love it", my face says "Would it be appropriate to throw up all over this needlepoint pillow?"

I'm sure there will be more, which I'll put in a blog entitled "Tis The Season To Throw Down, Part II". Until then, be safe, eat well, drink your weight in booze, and stop beating your children.

For The Love Of Gucci

I'm not what you would call a fashionista. I don't make a point of putting every outfit together perfectly, matching shoes to belt to purse to earrings and so forth. I don't obsess over my shirt coordinating perfectly with my watch or my necklace complimenting my rings. I mean, for the most part, my wardrobe consists of things that go together no matter what. Black, brown, white, grey, and the occasional colorful sweater or pair of shoes to mix it up. It's not that I don't enjoy taking risks with my look, I'm just aware of what works in what situation and what does not. Which brings me to my point: I never have, and never will, understand women who feel that no matter where they are going, anything they feel like putting on is appropriate.

A good example of this is Carrie in SATC. I love that show. Really, I do. But my major issue with it is the same issue I have with these so called "free spirits of fashion." A towel is not an outfit. Neither is a man's shirt paired with a wide belt and a pair of high heels. Nor are ankle warmers and a night shirt. Adding high heels to something does not constitute getting dressed. And the thing that gets me most is when I see these women out with their friends or boyfriends. I would hope that if my friends came over to find me trying to pass off a slip, faux fur coat and pair of strappy scandals as an outfit, they would immediately call the men in the white coats because it would certainly mean that I had lost it for good and obviously needed help. Same with a boyfriend. While I don't think that couples should tell each other what to do or wear, I do think that boyfriends and girlfriends have a certain responsibility to each other to not let the other walk out of the house looking like a fool. It's just not nice. Love means occasionally having to say "Hon, you look demented."

Granted, I do live most of my life under the impression that the whole world is my bedroom. I mean, I would live in pajamas(complete with fuzzy slippers) if it was allowed. But it's not. The only places that it's OK for me to do that are in my house and at school(some of the time). When I'm at work, or going out, or doing anything in public, it's necessary to make the effort to throw on at least a pair of jeans and a top so that I don't look like I just rolled out of the bed 5 minutes before walking out the door. And I see these people out there in beach cover-ups, night shirts, or outfits fit for a stripper, and I want to walk up to them and ask "I just want to know what you were thinking when you got dressed this morning. Really, what was going through your head? Did you look in the mirror? Or just throw caution to the wind and hope for the best? And where are the cops? I believe this constitutes public indecency." And it's always in places like Target, or Wal-Mart, or Publix that I see them. Those are public places to , ya know! The rest of us are not impervious to your smell or horrible fashion choices just because the store is the size of a small country. Lingerie doesn't count either. Just because it costs more than your average pair of pants doesn't make it clothing.

But hey, I could be wrong. Maybe if I got out there in next to nothing, I'd see what all the rage is about. But with my luck, all I would end up seeing is the inside of a prison cell.