Automated voice prompts are the latest thorn in my side. I loathe them with a burning passion only rivaled by my hate for leopard print spandex. And it's not that I don't appreciate the phone company's/cable company's/drug store's attempt at convenience, but after five minutes of not breathing for fear that the prompter may misunderstand me and think I was asking to be put through to the bills payable/we don't speak English department, my head is about to explode and I feel dizzy from lack of oxygen. And the voice, oh the voice. I mean, I don't need to be asked for my credit card number by a robotic phone sex operator. I would be happy to give it to Joe Schmow, just as long as he doesn't sound like he's touching himself while asking me for it.
And EVERYONE has one these days. Department stores, phone companies, the city, even the local deli. It's pure laziness, and what these places don't realize is that people don't want to talk to a recording. A recording can't understand what you're saying. It says that it can, but it's lying to you. Most say they can understand over 250 responses, but what they don't tell you is that "Live person" and "This is bullshit" aren't included in those.
I was on the phone with T-Mobile the other day trying to pay my bill, and I had to listen to the automated bitch drone on for 10 minutes before she let me say anything. I don't need to hear "We appreciate your call" and "Thank you for choosing T-Mobile". I know they don't appreciate my call, or they wouldn't be making me wait. I do not have time to carry on a one sided conversation with a recording, I'm not a bored housewife with no one to talk to. I have places to go and things to do. And God forbid I call from a crowded coffee shop or the office and some one's talking in the background or I'm trying to type while on hold. If a strong wind blows through, the auto-whore thinks I told her that I wanted to go back to the main menu and then I have to start the whole process all over again. And they never give you the option upfront to talk to a live person, that's the last resort. The damn thing will hang up on you before it'll put you through to a "customer care representative." Then I get on the phone with a real person, and by that point I'm so angry that I'm screaming at them like they're deaf and swearing them black and blue for asking me the same fucking questions for the tenth time. Yes, I am aware that I can access my account online. I'm not retarded, I wasn't trying to access the Internet by calling you, obviously I wanted to talk to a live person. No, I do not want to go over my bill, I just want to pay it. Why the hell did I have to press a million keys to navigate my way to you if all you're going to do is ask me the same shit over and over and over again?
Then they have no answers for you and suggest you go online to the FAQ's section of your profile. And my question is, why the hell are they paying these people? What are they here for, to tell you that they can't help you? To give you attitude because you're interrupting their hundredth game of solitaire? C'mon Buddy, I don't like a lot of our clients either, but I don't act as though they're inconveniencing me when I have to actually do my job and help them with what they need. But the best is when they ask you to calm down, as if you're going to jump through the phone and harm them. Believe me, if it was possible, everyone in the cable industry would be in serious trouble. I know people who have broken their remotes waiting to talk to someone. I know people who have broken their TVs waiting to talk to someone.
And then there are the freaks who enjoy talking to the auto-voice. I guess those are the ones too cheap to pay for phone sex.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
A Spoonful Of Sugar
It's come to my attention that some people who read my blog may be offended by the content, or may read it and think I'm a bitch. Fair enough. I didn't start this blog expecting that everyone who reads it is going to love it, agree with it, or find it all that funny. It's not always meant to be funny. It's also not meant to cater to any one's taste or sense of humor. In fact, when I started writing this blog, I set myself to the task of being unPC, and for a reason: People's opinions are not censored. They are what they are. Opinions can be hurtful, they can be offensive, they can be insulting, and they can be a revelation. Our worlds are censored enough without having to worry that what we truly think of it is inappropriate because it may not be what people like to hear.
The only names I've used in my blog are those of people in the public eye. I have never used the names of anyone that I know personally, or that someone has told me about. There's a reason for this also, and that reason is that I don't think it's necessary to call anyone out. Yes, I have a boss. So does everyone else I know. I have a family, so does everyone else I know. I have ex boyfriends, and friends, and so does everyone else I know. The people I write about come from a lot of different sources. They come from bosses, families, and friends that I know, and they come from bosses, families, and friends that people around me know and have. If you read something in this blog that you think is about you, consider why that is before you ask me about it, because all I'm going to say to you is "Your name isn't on it." Everyone out there has something about themselves that's embarrassing, or that they would rather not have pointed out to them in the form of an accusatory rampage, and that includes me, but we don't live in a world where everyone likes us all the time and has only nice things to say about us. And there's only two ways to handle that. You can either choose to laugh off or ignore what you don't like or know isn't true, or you can give in to the curiosity and keep going back for more.
I don't want anyone who reads this to think that they can't throw criticism my way. I welcome it, and any writer who doesn't is doing themselves a disservice. But, criticism and hypocrisy are two different things. Before you suggest that someone lightens up on the cynicism, look in your own backyard. While I may write about people, and what bothers me about them, I would NEVER dream of saying those things to them directly or to one of their friends unless the situation called for it and I knew they would take it in good stride as I would if someone were to say the same to me. But, I know people who would not only dream of doing it, but think nothing of the consequences it has on the people around them, including their spouse. If you find someone annoying, or think they're a pill popping maniac, or believe them to be below you for whatever reason, that's fine. But do not, unless you want to alienate everyone around you, say it to them or to one of their friends thinking that it's acceptable behavior. Toddlers know better. And it does get back to the person it was being said about. That's how you lose clients, that's how you lose friends, that's how you run your reputation into the ground.
My blog is not going to change. And I make no apologies for what's in it.
The only names I've used in my blog are those of people in the public eye. I have never used the names of anyone that I know personally, or that someone has told me about. There's a reason for this also, and that reason is that I don't think it's necessary to call anyone out. Yes, I have a boss. So does everyone else I know. I have a family, so does everyone else I know. I have ex boyfriends, and friends, and so does everyone else I know. The people I write about come from a lot of different sources. They come from bosses, families, and friends that I know, and they come from bosses, families, and friends that people around me know and have. If you read something in this blog that you think is about you, consider why that is before you ask me about it, because all I'm going to say to you is "Your name isn't on it." Everyone out there has something about themselves that's embarrassing, or that they would rather not have pointed out to them in the form of an accusatory rampage, and that includes me, but we don't live in a world where everyone likes us all the time and has only nice things to say about us. And there's only two ways to handle that. You can either choose to laugh off or ignore what you don't like or know isn't true, or you can give in to the curiosity and keep going back for more.
I don't want anyone who reads this to think that they can't throw criticism my way. I welcome it, and any writer who doesn't is doing themselves a disservice. But, criticism and hypocrisy are two different things. Before you suggest that someone lightens up on the cynicism, look in your own backyard. While I may write about people, and what bothers me about them, I would NEVER dream of saying those things to them directly or to one of their friends unless the situation called for it and I knew they would take it in good stride as I would if someone were to say the same to me. But, I know people who would not only dream of doing it, but think nothing of the consequences it has on the people around them, including their spouse. If you find someone annoying, or think they're a pill popping maniac, or believe them to be below you for whatever reason, that's fine. But do not, unless you want to alienate everyone around you, say it to them or to one of their friends thinking that it's acceptable behavior. Toddlers know better. And it does get back to the person it was being said about. That's how you lose clients, that's how you lose friends, that's how you run your reputation into the ground.
My blog is not going to change. And I make no apologies for what's in it.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Do You Need a Loofa?
When Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the President of Iran, gave an interview with Mike Wallace, he spoke on a variety of topics, including the war, Iraq, our President, and his leisure activities. One topic that I found interesting, as I'm sure many people did, was the Holocaust. It was not the main topic, and really he didn't say much about it by way of length, but what he did say didn't really require explanation. You see, he believes the Holocaust to be an "over-blown fairytale."
This doesn't insult me just because I'm Jewish. Yes, that is one of the reasons, but it is not the only reason. It's insulting to me as a person, and as someone who doesn't choose to discount the suffering of others as means of validating my own ends. He mentioned that one of his favorite activities is reading books. A few suggestions:
The Internet for Dummies (Paperback) by John R. Levine (Author), Carol Baroudi (Author), Margaret Levine Young (Author)
Photographing the Holocaust: Interpretations of the Evidence By Janina Struk
In Pursuit of Justice: Examining the Evidence of the Holocaust By United States Holocaust Memorial Museum
Brainwashing: The Science of Thought Control By Kathleen Taylor
A short excerpt from the interview:
"Well, don't be hasty sir," the president said. "I'm going to get to that. I think that the Israeli government is a fabricated government."
"Fabricated" following the Holocaust, which he's said may also have been fabricated. Last December. Ahmadinejad said the Europeans had created a myth of the Holocaust. "What I did say was, if this is a reality, if this is real, where did it take place?" Ahmadinejad replied.
"In Germany," Wallace said.
"Who — who caused this in Europe?" Ahmadinejad asked.
"In Europe. If I may … so …what you're suggesting — one moment — what you're suggesting then, that Israel should be over in Germany because that's where the holocaust took place?" Wallace asked.
"I'm not saying that, mind you," the president replied. But he has said Israel could be moved to Europe, or even to the United States but it shouldn't be in Palestine.
Hmmm...OK, so Israel should now be in Germany because 70 years ago Hitler and his band of lemmings decided that Jews were polluting the "purity" of their race? Never mind that after World War I , the League of Nations approved the British Mandate for Palestine with the intent of creating a "national home for the Jewish people", or that Jews, along with Christians and Muslims, regard that area as their Holy Land(for some as far back as 3 thousand years), or that Israel as a nation has declared it's independence and fought(like every other nation in the history of the world) for the right to be where they are. No, absolutely not. Israel should be in Germany, since that's where the worst genocide, that Mahmoud claims never happened, took place. Then he takes a turn. He actually gives no reasoning for believing that Israel should be anywhere but in Palestine, it "just should be". Perhaps it was because he realized what he was saying made no sense: That Israel should be in Germany because that's where the Holocaust that never happened took place.
Maybe it's just me, but I don't think someone who has that hard a time getting their shit straight should be in charge of a house plant, let alone an entire nation.
But, since Mr. Ahmadinejad seems to be having such a hard time with the extensive research, photos, first hand accounts, diaries, records, etc. that prove the Holocaust happened, I have an idea:
Mahmoud, I would be happy to personally escort you to one of the many concentration camps still standing, and demonstrate for you not only the fascinating precision of German engineering, but the true experience of what you claim never happened. Here's how it'll go down: We're going to test the gas chambers. You go in, and I'll turn it on. You know those monstrosities still work, they were made by the same people who make Mercedes and BMW's for God's sake, and if there's anyone who appreciates a piece of fine machinery, I know it's you. If, after it turns itself off, you walk out the other side, I'll consider seeing things your way.
This doesn't insult me just because I'm Jewish. Yes, that is one of the reasons, but it is not the only reason. It's insulting to me as a person, and as someone who doesn't choose to discount the suffering of others as means of validating my own ends. He mentioned that one of his favorite activities is reading books. A few suggestions:
The Internet for Dummies (Paperback) by John R. Levine (Author), Carol Baroudi (Author), Margaret Levine Young (Author)
Photographing the Holocaust: Interpretations of the Evidence By Janina Struk
In Pursuit of Justice: Examining the Evidence of the Holocaust By United States Holocaust Memorial Museum
Brainwashing: The Science of Thought Control By Kathleen Taylor
A short excerpt from the interview:
"Well, don't be hasty sir," the president said. "I'm going to get to that. I think that the Israeli government is a fabricated government."
"Fabricated" following the Holocaust, which he's said may also have been fabricated. Last December. Ahmadinejad said the Europeans had created a myth of the Holocaust. "What I did say was, if this is a reality, if this is real, where did it take place?" Ahmadinejad replied.
"In Germany," Wallace said.
"Who — who caused this in Europe?" Ahmadinejad asked.
"In Europe. If I may … so …what you're suggesting — one moment — what you're suggesting then, that Israel should be over in Germany because that's where the holocaust took place?" Wallace asked.
"I'm not saying that, mind you," the president replied. But he has said Israel could be moved to Europe, or even to the United States but it shouldn't be in Palestine.
Hmmm...OK, so Israel should now be in Germany because 70 years ago Hitler and his band of lemmings decided that Jews were polluting the "purity" of their race? Never mind that after World War I , the League of Nations approved the British Mandate for Palestine with the intent of creating a "national home for the Jewish people", or that Jews, along with Christians and Muslims, regard that area as their Holy Land(for some as far back as 3 thousand years), or that Israel as a nation has declared it's independence and fought(like every other nation in the history of the world) for the right to be where they are. No, absolutely not. Israel should be in Germany, since that's where the worst genocide, that Mahmoud claims never happened, took place. Then he takes a turn. He actually gives no reasoning for believing that Israel should be anywhere but in Palestine, it "just should be". Perhaps it was because he realized what he was saying made no sense: That Israel should be in Germany because that's where the Holocaust that never happened took place.
Maybe it's just me, but I don't think someone who has that hard a time getting their shit straight should be in charge of a house plant, let alone an entire nation.
But, since Mr. Ahmadinejad seems to be having such a hard time with the extensive research, photos, first hand accounts, diaries, records, etc. that prove the Holocaust happened, I have an idea:
Mahmoud, I would be happy to personally escort you to one of the many concentration camps still standing, and demonstrate for you not only the fascinating precision of German engineering, but the true experience of what you claim never happened. Here's how it'll go down: We're going to test the gas chambers. You go in, and I'll turn it on. You know those monstrosities still work, they were made by the same people who make Mercedes and BMW's for God's sake, and if there's anyone who appreciates a piece of fine machinery, I know it's you. If, after it turns itself off, you walk out the other side, I'll consider seeing things your way.
Friday, September 28, 2007
A Blog About Not Blogging
I have not been blogging as much recently for a few reasons:
1. I just started my fall semester of my Junior year of college, so I have homework and all that good stuff going on.
2. I've been slightly preoccupied with the craziness going on at work and with the people I call my friends. I'm just kidding, I really do love my friends, some of them just happen to be really whacked out sometimes...but hey, who isn't?
3. I haven't been all that angry lately. I mean, I'm always angry or bitching about something, but I haven't really been the kind of angry that's necessary to be outrageously rude and politically incorrect, and I wouldn't dream of giving all of you anything less than that.
But this last reason brings me to my mini-blog topic. Why is it that we find anger so funny? Is it because we, as a society, are just pissed off at everyone all the time? Why are we so cynical and jaded?
Perhaps it's because we have people lying and saying things like "The Holocaust never happened".
That's the topic of my next blog, stay tuned.
1. I just started my fall semester of my Junior year of college, so I have homework and all that good stuff going on.
2. I've been slightly preoccupied with the craziness going on at work and with the people I call my friends. I'm just kidding, I really do love my friends, some of them just happen to be really whacked out sometimes...but hey, who isn't?
3. I haven't been all that angry lately. I mean, I'm always angry or bitching about something, but I haven't really been the kind of angry that's necessary to be outrageously rude and politically incorrect, and I wouldn't dream of giving all of you anything less than that.
But this last reason brings me to my mini-blog topic. Why is it that we find anger so funny? Is it because we, as a society, are just pissed off at everyone all the time? Why are we so cynical and jaded?
Perhaps it's because we have people lying and saying things like "The Holocaust never happened".
That's the topic of my next blog, stay tuned.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Two Cartons Of Eggs and An Hour Later
I realize that I am not the most forgiving or even understanding person on earth, but I really don't think it's too much to ask that we as a society respect each other's time, or lack there of. I'm well aware that thousands of us have the luxury of not having to work because either a) we married into money(yay for you...seriously), b) we are supported by the government( no yay for you), or c) our parents died young and left us enough money to buy whatever we want for as long as we want without having to wonder what it must be like to have self respect. But what I'm not getting at 11:30 am on a Tuesday when I'm standing impatiently behind Soccer Mom USA, tapping my heel VERY loudly and wondering to myself what long term effect hair bleach has on one's ability to choose the right cereal for one's family, is what the hell is going through some one's mind when they stand in the middle of the aisle with an over sized cart, blocking every one's way. I'm guessing it's something along these lines: "Should I bother moving my cart? No, I don't think so. Why is that girl staring at me? Maybe she needs to get by. She can go around. I mean, why should I move?"
The answer to that question is this: One day, the person you're blocking won't be a nice girl who plans to go to law school and therefore can't harm you, lest she be banned from the ABA after being brought up on federal assault charges. It will be some other person who has somewhere to go and things to do, unlike yourself who has absolutely nowhere to be ever, who will not hesitate to physically move you out of their way.
I just don't understand the mentality behind preventing people from doing things in a timely manner. I'm not saying that everyone doesn't have the right to be in the grocery store, or the bank, or restaurants whenever they want to be. I'm just suggesting that as a manner of courtesy, unless you're old in which case you don't really have to follow the rules anymore because you've earned that right, please don't go to any of these places during the hours that those of us who have jobs are trying to utilize their services. If you've forgotten what these hours are from lack of being useful, or never having contributed at all, here's a schedule:
Hours Off Limits to Those Whose Sole Purpose is:
Getting Hair Done, Baby Making, Shopping, "Tooling":
7am-9:30am(These are the hours when those of us with jobs are driving to work and trying to get something to eat on the way, because God knows that we wouldn't dream of putting off getting Corporate America going in the morning, lest we rob the rest of you of something to NOT do.)
11am-1:30 pm(These are the hours that those of us with jobs are trying to get some lunch. You see, because we rush to work in the morning and have to sit through what feels like Dante's Inferno driving home at night, we have no time or energy to pack nutritious meals to take with us for lunch. But, if you should feel so inclined, and you happen to be one of the inconsiderate bastards who I know will be out at my favorite restaurant tomorrow, eating at my table on my lunch hour, you are more than welcome to bring me a salad on your way to the craft store.)
4:30pm-6:30pm(These are the hours when those of us with jobs are trying to get home to our families or televisions, both of which are equally important to us. I don't know what any of you could possibly be out doing at this hour. That's all I have to say about that.)
But, if any of you should happen to find yourselves out and about during these hours because maybe you just lost track of time, fear not, there are plenty of us willing and ready to tell you exactly where you should go.
The answer to that question is this: One day, the person you're blocking won't be a nice girl who plans to go to law school and therefore can't harm you, lest she be banned from the ABA after being brought up on federal assault charges. It will be some other person who has somewhere to go and things to do, unlike yourself who has absolutely nowhere to be ever, who will not hesitate to physically move you out of their way.
I just don't understand the mentality behind preventing people from doing things in a timely manner. I'm not saying that everyone doesn't have the right to be in the grocery store, or the bank, or restaurants whenever they want to be. I'm just suggesting that as a manner of courtesy, unless you're old in which case you don't really have to follow the rules anymore because you've earned that right, please don't go to any of these places during the hours that those of us who have jobs are trying to utilize their services. If you've forgotten what these hours are from lack of being useful, or never having contributed at all, here's a schedule:
Hours Off Limits to Those Whose Sole Purpose is:
Getting Hair Done, Baby Making, Shopping, "Tooling":
7am-9:30am(These are the hours when those of us with jobs are driving to work and trying to get something to eat on the way, because God knows that we wouldn't dream of putting off getting Corporate America going in the morning, lest we rob the rest of you of something to NOT do.)
11am-1:30 pm(These are the hours that those of us with jobs are trying to get some lunch. You see, because we rush to work in the morning and have to sit through what feels like Dante's Inferno driving home at night, we have no time or energy to pack nutritious meals to take with us for lunch. But, if you should feel so inclined, and you happen to be one of the inconsiderate bastards who I know will be out at my favorite restaurant tomorrow, eating at my table on my lunch hour, you are more than welcome to bring me a salad on your way to the craft store.)
4:30pm-6:30pm(These are the hours when those of us with jobs are trying to get home to our families or televisions, both of which are equally important to us. I don't know what any of you could possibly be out doing at this hour. That's all I have to say about that.)
But, if any of you should happen to find yourselves out and about during these hours because maybe you just lost track of time, fear not, there are plenty of us willing and ready to tell you exactly where you should go.
Monday, September 17, 2007
One More Thing...
I just had to point out how hilariously ironic it is that there is an ad that says "Attract 'Mr. Right':10 secrets to make a man positively addicted to you for life" or some bull like that, right above my blog on how NOT to have a man addicted to you.
Ladies, listen, there is nothing wrong with a man wanting to be with you, but no one should be ADDICTED to you. They have rehab for that shit...and restraining orders.
Ladies, listen, there is nothing wrong with a man wanting to be with you, but no one should be ADDICTED to you. They have rehab for that shit...and restraining orders.
Sally Sensitive And The Whining Muskateers
OK, so I get that men like a girl who plays hard-to-get. I understand the whole chase and catching scenario, seduction, mystery, blah, blah, blah. Men, you seem to think that when a girl says no she really means yes(this has nothing to do with sex, in that case no always means no...and there's my responsibility plug), and that all she needs is convincing, and that if she would just give in and "surrender", she would be happy and realize that she really DID want to go out with you and just wasn't aware of how attractive you really are. Or, if you're dating, she just needs a little pushing to get through the times when she's sick of you or you're doing something that pisses her off, because after all, you know what's best for her. Well, here's a completely radical idea: What if women really do know what they want...and it's not more time with you?
I am not in any way condoning the behavior of women who do actually lie and say they want "this" when they really want "that". But, for the women who put it all out on the table and are still hitting the same wall over and over again, let me just say that I have no fucking clue what is wrong with men these days. And no, this is not a man-bashing post. If you know me at all, you know by now that I am an equal opportunity basher. Women do it too. Men tell them that they need space and don't want a serious relationship and that work/school/family/pottery lessons take up most of their time and they really don't have time for a commitment, but then when the women are actually faced with the reality of what that means, they flip out and say that the men led them on. But, since I am a woman, we're going to look at it from the woman's point of view. Men, feel free to tell me that I sound like a guy on this, it's nothing I haven't heard before.
I have been in 3 serious relationships. By serious, I mean that I consider these men to be my ex's and while I was with them I made a reasonable effort to be monogamous and try that thing that starts with a "c"...what is it? Oh yes, compromise. It means that on occasion, I made allowances for their needs, even when they conflicted with my own, and to a almost surprising extent, I sought their advice or opinions when I didn't have to, because hey, that's what you do when you're with someone. But anywhore, I have been in 3 relationships, and countless non-relationships(I dated the guy but never considered him my boyfriend or told him that I was his girlfriend). But no matter the nature of the relationship, I tell every man that I am seeing the same thing, and that is: I am not available 24/7. I enjoy school, and it is the most important thing in my life. I am very focused, I want to be successful and nothing is standing in my way of that. I do not play well with others, I don't like people touching my stuff unnecessarily, and that includes my body. I like my alone time, lots and lots of it. I read, I write, I listen to music and play dress up with my clothes, and I cannot concentrate or do those things if I have to worry constantly that someone else isn't getting enough attention. I don't feel the need to see the person I'm with more than twice a week...maybe three if I'm feeling super special, I have a lot of people in my life that I want to spend time with, and the amount of time I want to spend with someone is directly proportional to how long I've known them. I don't like the phone, and do not, under any circumstances, feel the need to sit and talk on it for hours on end with anyone. The only people I chat with on the phone are my Girlfriends and female members of my family, and that's because we're talking smack about everyone.
But no one ever listens. They say they're listening and that they get it, but they're obviously lying, because about a month into dating, the phone calls start. The phone calls, with the questions, and the accusations.
"Where are you?" - Out
"What are you doing?" - None of your business
"Who are you with?" - People
"Are you busy?" - Extremely
"So, what's up?" - Didn't I just say I'm busy?
"Do you want to go to dinner tonight?" - No
"Do you have plans tonight?" - If you count my couch and Tony Soprano
"Why don't you pick up when I call you?" - I don't want to
"We haven't seen each other in a week." - I knew there had to be a reason that it's been easier to breathe
"Are you mad at me?" - I will be if you ask me one more question
"Can I come over?" - No, if I wanted you in my home I would invite you over myself
"Why do you keep avoiding me?" - Because you never leave me alone
"Is something wrong?" - Yes, you don't listen when I talk to you
"Is there someone else?" - How could I have time to date someone else when you're on me 24/7?
"Why do you leave right after sex?" - Because if I wanted to talk I would call one of my Girlfriends
"Have I done something to upset you?" - I have no idea because you've kept me in a constant state of pissed off for a few days now, so I no longer know what it feels like to NOT be upset
"Are we breaking up?" - I don't care what you do, just leave me out of it
Is it too much to ask for a boyfriend that appreciates distance and autonomy instead of clinging onto someone for dear life? People don't need to be around each other that much, ever. Men, and women, need to stop lying to each other about what they expect and what they can handle. I get it if you want to be in a relationship that's like a dual life support system, but leave me out of it. I'm honest about my limitations and how much I can take and what I have time for, and I would really like one day to find a man that can not only say that he gets it, but can ACTUALLY get it.
Or, at the very least, a man who won't complain about my relationship with my TV.
I am not in any way condoning the behavior of women who do actually lie and say they want "this" when they really want "that". But, for the women who put it all out on the table and are still hitting the same wall over and over again, let me just say that I have no fucking clue what is wrong with men these days. And no, this is not a man-bashing post. If you know me at all, you know by now that I am an equal opportunity basher. Women do it too. Men tell them that they need space and don't want a serious relationship and that work/school/family/pottery lessons take up most of their time and they really don't have time for a commitment, but then when the women are actually faced with the reality of what that means, they flip out and say that the men led them on. But, since I am a woman, we're going to look at it from the woman's point of view. Men, feel free to tell me that I sound like a guy on this, it's nothing I haven't heard before.
I have been in 3 serious relationships. By serious, I mean that I consider these men to be my ex's and while I was with them I made a reasonable effort to be monogamous and try that thing that starts with a "c"...what is it? Oh yes, compromise. It means that on occasion, I made allowances for their needs, even when they conflicted with my own, and to a almost surprising extent, I sought their advice or opinions when I didn't have to, because hey, that's what you do when you're with someone. But anywhore, I have been in 3 relationships, and countless non-relationships(I dated the guy but never considered him my boyfriend or told him that I was his girlfriend). But no matter the nature of the relationship, I tell every man that I am seeing the same thing, and that is: I am not available 24/7. I enjoy school, and it is the most important thing in my life. I am very focused, I want to be successful and nothing is standing in my way of that. I do not play well with others, I don't like people touching my stuff unnecessarily, and that includes my body. I like my alone time, lots and lots of it. I read, I write, I listen to music and play dress up with my clothes, and I cannot concentrate or do those things if I have to worry constantly that someone else isn't getting enough attention. I don't feel the need to see the person I'm with more than twice a week...maybe three if I'm feeling super special, I have a lot of people in my life that I want to spend time with, and the amount of time I want to spend with someone is directly proportional to how long I've known them. I don't like the phone, and do not, under any circumstances, feel the need to sit and talk on it for hours on end with anyone. The only people I chat with on the phone are my Girlfriends and female members of my family, and that's because we're talking smack about everyone.
But no one ever listens. They say they're listening and that they get it, but they're obviously lying, because about a month into dating, the phone calls start. The phone calls, with the questions, and the accusations.
"Where are you?" - Out
"What are you doing?" - None of your business
"Who are you with?" - People
"Are you busy?" - Extremely
"So, what's up?" - Didn't I just say I'm busy?
"Do you want to go to dinner tonight?" - No
"Do you have plans tonight?" - If you count my couch and Tony Soprano
"Why don't you pick up when I call you?" - I don't want to
"We haven't seen each other in a week." - I knew there had to be a reason that it's been easier to breathe
"Are you mad at me?" - I will be if you ask me one more question
"Can I come over?" - No, if I wanted you in my home I would invite you over myself
"Why do you keep avoiding me?" - Because you never leave me alone
"Is something wrong?" - Yes, you don't listen when I talk to you
"Is there someone else?" - How could I have time to date someone else when you're on me 24/7?
"Why do you leave right after sex?" - Because if I wanted to talk I would call one of my Girlfriends
"Have I done something to upset you?" - I have no idea because you've kept me in a constant state of pissed off for a few days now, so I no longer know what it feels like to NOT be upset
"Are we breaking up?" - I don't care what you do, just leave me out of it
Is it too much to ask for a boyfriend that appreciates distance and autonomy instead of clinging onto someone for dear life? People don't need to be around each other that much, ever. Men, and women, need to stop lying to each other about what they expect and what they can handle. I get it if you want to be in a relationship that's like a dual life support system, but leave me out of it. I'm honest about my limitations and how much I can take and what I have time for, and I would really like one day to find a man that can not only say that he gets it, but can ACTUALLY get it.
Or, at the very least, a man who won't complain about my relationship with my TV.
Friday, September 7, 2007
Sorry, I Have A Freak Out Scheduled For 8:30
The modern woman: She's collected, smart, witty, competent, and knows what she wants. She wastes no time with "maybe's" and "could have's". She is aware of her needs and how to fulfill them. And she is a spaz when it comes to relationships.
I am a modern woman. While I may get stressed out at work or school, I am always able to come back down at the end of the day. I wouldn't dream of walking into my boss's office and announcing that I was leaving, because despite all of the bullshit that my job entails, I love it. I love my boss, I love my co-workers in a very non-loving way, and deep down I know I love the pressure and the experience. On that same note, I wouldn't stop going to school for anything, not even a million dollars. I love school, my professors, my hour-long debates with my classmates, the homework, and most of all the knowledge I gain by going. School is something I do just for me. But for the life of me, I cannot seem to make a relationship stick.
No, I have never been dumped. I am always the person doing the dumping, due to my severe neurosis about men and love. I sabotage relationships because I hate anything that is unpredictable or that doesn't follow a set formula. With school and work it's simple. Go to class, make good grades, graduate, get a job, work hard, climb the ladder, make money, make partner, make a difference. If you're strong willed and don't mind spending 100 or more hours a week at work, it's cake. It's guaranteed, it's YOURS. But with relationships, there's the other person to worry about. Their feelings, their fears, their path in life and how you can make your different paths somehow run parallel. They demand time and energy and commitment...the C word. Oh, commitment, the evil, wicked word that haunts me in my worst nightmares. Who has time for all that?
Let me just give it to you straight: I do not do commitment well, or at all really. I haven't pin pointed the exact moment that it happens, but any guy dating me is guaranteed fidelity for about the first 5 dates, and after that it's a game of "where's my girlfriend", because here's my train of thought after I am appointed some one's significant other: Why am I with this person? Is he what I want? Do I have time for this relationship? I'm too young for this kind of commitment. His voice bothers me. Is he Jewish? Why does he keep staring at me? Can I wear heels and still be shorter than him? Are we spending too much time together? Is it wrong to sleep with him if I don't plan on staying with him? Does he know I make more money than him? Would it bother him if he did? Is that the same shirt he wore the other night? What would my family think of him? What would our kids look like? Why am I thinking about having kids with him? Is this the age I should be looking for something serious? What does he plan to do with his life? Why hasn't he decided on a career yet? Is that a bad sign? Is it going to bother him that work and school come before him? What will he say when I tell him I only want to see him about every two weeks? Are his teeth naturally straight? Will he understand me having so many friends that are men? What are his views on the war? Is he a Republican? Why does he click his tongue like that when he's reading? How long before I can break up with him, and can I do it via email?
So, you see, there is a lot that goes into the freak out process. I have always thought that when I met the right man, all my bullshit would stop and I would be fine. But I'm starting to see that that theory itself is BS. So, I suppose I'll just have to find someone as crazy as me, because God knows I don't want anyone normal. What fun would that be?
I am a modern woman. While I may get stressed out at work or school, I am always able to come back down at the end of the day. I wouldn't dream of walking into my boss's office and announcing that I was leaving, because despite all of the bullshit that my job entails, I love it. I love my boss, I love my co-workers in a very non-loving way, and deep down I know I love the pressure and the experience. On that same note, I wouldn't stop going to school for anything, not even a million dollars. I love school, my professors, my hour-long debates with my classmates, the homework, and most of all the knowledge I gain by going. School is something I do just for me. But for the life of me, I cannot seem to make a relationship stick.
No, I have never been dumped. I am always the person doing the dumping, due to my severe neurosis about men and love. I sabotage relationships because I hate anything that is unpredictable or that doesn't follow a set formula. With school and work it's simple. Go to class, make good grades, graduate, get a job, work hard, climb the ladder, make money, make partner, make a difference. If you're strong willed and don't mind spending 100 or more hours a week at work, it's cake. It's guaranteed, it's YOURS. But with relationships, there's the other person to worry about. Their feelings, their fears, their path in life and how you can make your different paths somehow run parallel. They demand time and energy and commitment...the C word. Oh, commitment, the evil, wicked word that haunts me in my worst nightmares. Who has time for all that?
Let me just give it to you straight: I do not do commitment well, or at all really. I haven't pin pointed the exact moment that it happens, but any guy dating me is guaranteed fidelity for about the first 5 dates, and after that it's a game of "where's my girlfriend", because here's my train of thought after I am appointed some one's significant other: Why am I with this person? Is he what I want? Do I have time for this relationship? I'm too young for this kind of commitment. His voice bothers me. Is he Jewish? Why does he keep staring at me? Can I wear heels and still be shorter than him? Are we spending too much time together? Is it wrong to sleep with him if I don't plan on staying with him? Does he know I make more money than him? Would it bother him if he did? Is that the same shirt he wore the other night? What would my family think of him? What would our kids look like? Why am I thinking about having kids with him? Is this the age I should be looking for something serious? What does he plan to do with his life? Why hasn't he decided on a career yet? Is that a bad sign? Is it going to bother him that work and school come before him? What will he say when I tell him I only want to see him about every two weeks? Are his teeth naturally straight? Will he understand me having so many friends that are men? What are his views on the war? Is he a Republican? Why does he click his tongue like that when he's reading? How long before I can break up with him, and can I do it via email?
So, you see, there is a lot that goes into the freak out process. I have always thought that when I met the right man, all my bullshit would stop and I would be fine. But I'm starting to see that that theory itself is BS. So, I suppose I'll just have to find someone as crazy as me, because God knows I don't want anyone normal. What fun would that be?
Friday, August 10, 2007
Give Me Your Olives Or The Hoagie Gets It
Since becoming a vegetarian - "WHAT?! YOU?!" - Yes, I'm a vegetarian now. Anywhore, since becoming a vegetarian, I've become addicted to veggie subs. Like seriously, I eat them almost everyday. But it's cool because the whole thing only has like 450 calories. SCORE!
But getting these subs has become quite a stressful experience for me. You see, I like a lot of black olives on my subs, and by a lot, I mean like 2-3 handfuls. I heart them, they make my sub, and quite frankly I get a little more than miffed when some crazy person at a well known sub establishment gives me a hard time about the number of olives I require to enjoy my sandwich. It's none of their damn business if you ask me. Which is what I'm here to bitch about today.
Toppings. At most food joints, like sub shops and southwest"grills" they have them to go on your burritos, nachos, sandwiches, what-have-you. Now, when you order food in these places, you have to "pay" for the bread or tortilla you want, your meat of choice(which in my case is none which makes me even more angry when they deny me olives, but we'll get to that later), but the "toppings" are supposed to be "free", meaning that you can get as much as you want, as opposed to having to pay more for extra meat or cheese. In actuality, you're paying for the whole damn sandwich, right down to the wax paper it's wrapped in. Those bastards don't give anything away for free. Not even the air you breathe while in their store.
What kills me about places like this:
1. Their food is supposed to be made to YOUR liking. Not John-Dead-Beat-Can't-Get-A-Better-Job's liking. Not the manager's liking. Not corporate's liking. Not even your Aunt Millie's liking. If they want to regulate the amount of lettuce you get, then they should just make the sandwich themselves and not even ask for your opinion in the first place. Obviously they know better than you do how you like your food. Why even have the glass partition there? Why not just make the food in the kitchen and bring it out when it's done? Why not just TELL people what they want? And what's with that glass partition anyways? What is this, Jail? I mean, what's the point? Are they afraid that someone is gonna jump over the counter and run off with their pickles?
2. If people wanted to be told that they shouldn't be eating something, they would go to their Mother's house. I have parents, thank you. I don't need a whole other group of people saying "You know, you really don't need that much." Was I asking you? No, I was not. I believe what I said was "I would like more jalapenos." If I get heartburn, or indigestion, or have an allergic reaction, isn't that MY business? Since when did the AHA start paying these places to put their two cents in? What business is it of theirs if you want clogged arteries or high cholesterol? Judgement is reserved for Mom and Church/Temple. It has no place in Subway.
3. The people making your food aren't paying for the things they're withholding. What does it matter to the snot nosed kid behind the counter how much damn vinegar you want? So what if you require an inordinate amount of tomatoes? What does it matter to them if you have a thing for cucumbers? I mean, if the amount of toppings you used came out of their paycheck, I could understand that. But it doesn't. Why aren't there more people out there stickin' it to the man?
Yes, I use the term stickin' it to the man. What man I'm stickin' it to exactly, I don't know. I imagine him to be tall, dark, and handsome, and to be sitting in a room with piles of money and sweet n' low, laughing maniacally about the distribution of black olives.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Saving 20 Minutes
I am a total girlie girl. I love all things pink, sparkly, flowery, sweet-smelling, and chocolate. I wear high heels even though they kill my feet(except for the expensive ones which may explain my credit card debt), I put on necklaces and earrings and watches and rings, I agonize over what to wear when I know I'll be seen by people other than my Family and my boss(because, you know, spending 45 hours a week with me kinda shoes you in to fam status), and I ALWAYS wear perfume anywhere I go, because I just love hearing "You smell fantastic" from everyone...even the grocery clerk.
I think most women feel the same way about most of these things. I mean, what's the point of being a girl if you don't smell, feel, taste, and look better than men? There isn't one. But there is one of my/our daily routines that I realized this morning may not be so necessary after all. And let me say this before I go any further: I was kinda pissed when I realized that this routine of mine was not a necessity because like most women, I spend hundreds of dollars every year on these products, hours and hours of my time each month actually doing it, and precious minutes each day making sure it's perfect. My makeup. Yeah, my FREAKING makeup.
I went to the beach on Monday and got severely sunburned. Not so sunburned that I had to go to the hospital or anything, but to me, if I'm in pain, it's severe. SO, I got sunburned on my nose, forehead and shoulders. Since I do not enjoy the burning sensation I get every time I touch my face, I decided to forgo the makeup until the redness dies down. I was a little nervous because I wear makeup everyday. I wear foundation, blush, powder, mascara and chap stick(yes, it's makeup because it's pink). But what I discovered when I walked in to my office and took a glance in the mirror is that I looked exactly the same as when I do wear makeup. Not that my face is red when I wear makeup, the redness has gone away but the pain is still there. BUUTTT....about the looking the same....WTF?!?
I mean, here I am, spending at least 15 minutes every morning putting this shit on my face, and to my horror(but I suppose later glee), I look EXACTLY THE FUCKING SAME! Let me fill you in on what I go through every morning:
1. Foundation to cover any redness or blotchiness that may have sprung up due to a) a heavy night of drinking or b) a heavy night of crying or c) total lack of sleep to do work/men/a/b/ or a horrendous combination of all of the above. Or just to even out my skin tone, aka take away any color so that I can later add it back.
2. Dust my face with powder to keep said foundation from coming off, or to keep myself from being all shiny when the temp outside reaching 20,000 degrees.
3. Put on bronzer and blush to add color BACK to my face, but in a totally I-don't-wear-blush-or-bronzer-because-my-skin-is-naturally-perfectly-toned kinda way.
4. Line my eyes with liner and then apply one coat of mascara to the top lashes and one to the bottom to make my eyes look all shiny and come-hither, but not in a whorish kinda way, just a aren't-I-pretty-kinda way.
I know it's only four steps, but it takes up time that I could be sleeping, or reading a magazine, or sleeping, or watching TV, or sleeping. And I don't even need it!!! I was putting on makeup, as I suspect all women do, to look exactly the same as when we started only slightly less flawed. Well ladies, let me tell you a secret that will save you thousands of dollars and hours of time. Go get a sunburn.
And then go out and spend that money on some clothes...because no matter how red the rest of your body is, you don't look the same naked as you do clothed.
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