Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Is He A Member Of MENSA?

Everyone has a "type". A certain kind of person that "fits the bill" so to speak. In my ongoing attempt to figure out what exactly is wrong with me, or why I have no man in my life, I came to two conclusions: 1. I haven't been looking/putting myself out there. I highly doubt that my next boyfriend is waiting for me at the bottom of that bag of chips, or in the new J. Crew catalogue, or on my computer that I'm chained to. 2. I think I might be too picky. Yeah, I know what you're thinking.
"You, Shana? Picky?!? NEVER!"
Well, let me just tell you, I don't appreciate your sarcasm. I'm being serious. What if I'm too picky about the men I date, or plan to date? My type, in case anyone wants to know, is as follows: Smart, has to be able to make me laugh, has to be able to laugh at himself, Preppy(gimme a break, I went to private school), ambitious, adventurous, well traveled, well read, and preferably Jewish. If he is not Jewish, he has to be willing to raise our children in the Jewish faith. That's just the way it goes. I would also like for him to somehow be involved in the legal profession, or if he is not, he should be able to handle having a wife/GF that is. Also, I like to shop. I'll use my own money, but the man needs to have enough of his own to buy food. What can I say, I like my shoes.
So, now that you know the kind of guy I'm looking for, let's examine the types of guys I've dated in the past. Perhaps this list will give me/us(I rely on my readers/friends to give me feedback) some insight. Here it is, my dating/personal history:
BMW Guy: Ah, the beamer guy. He was older, he was rich, and he was metro sexual. From him I learned about fashion, social graces, and how to hold my alcohol. He was nice enough, very attractive, and certainly knew how to work a room. He came from an affluent family, and needless to say, had many years and dollar signs on me. But, he bugged the shit out of me. He was jealous, possessive, and probably gay. He had serious issues with his father, and really didn't seem to like women. So, although it was fun while it lasted, the party had to end.
College Guy: College guy was what you could call and "All American Man". He was strong, good looking, went to a local University, and could out-drink all of our friends. He was an FSU devote, loved football, and was about 3 years my senior. He had red hair, and was only 2 inches taller than me. My high heels had to be put away during this relationship because, and no I am not ashamed to admit this, I didn't like being taller than my boyfriend. But it was not to last. As it turned out, he was an alcoholic(much like BMW Guy) and a huge baby. He never matured past the age of 12. So, although he gave me my first taste of the collegiate lifestyle, he just wasn't quite right.
Musician Guy: Musician Guy was so much fun. But, no job. Nuff said.
Surfer Guy: Perfect Boyfriend, for someone else. I loved to work, he loved to play. I was awake during the day, he was awake at night. I actually dated Surfer Guy twice. The first time we broke up because of problems with his "equipment", which turned out to be a side effect of his social phobia. The second time we broke up because I just had no time for a relationship, and he wanted a GF that was able to do the same things he was. Like surfing all day and drinking all night. Plus, and I know this is going to sound snobbish, he had no ambition. He quit his job while we were on our second go 'round so that he could surf more. So, although he was adorable and picture perfect, that was the last straw.
Mortgage Broker Guy: Owned his own company, good dresser, 14 years older than me. Huge ego. Weird eating habits. Horrible in bed. Liar. To this day I think he was a serial killer and I somehow got out just in time.
And these were just the "major" relationships. There were many others that were "friends" and others still that aren't even worth mentioning. The thing that gets me is that none of them, for some reason or another, ever really fit the bill. Most of them, like Surfer Guy, I knew weren't right for me. But I dated them anyway.
So, what have I/we learned? No babies, or alcoholics, or men without jobs. Yeeaaahhhhhh....THAT narrows it down.
Oh, and no serial killers. I should write that down so I don't forget.

Friday, June 8, 2007

Cheeseburgers And Cocaine

I am an American. I believe in a free economy, traditional family values, cheeseburgers and milkshakes, and John Wayne. I enjoy football games, the Superbowl half time show, and being able to draw up a lawsuit against anyone at any time...for any reason. I love this country.

What I don't love is the completely illogical and asinine worship of cocaine snorting, commando going, Scientology following, pseudo intellectual, fake Jews we call "Starlets". These girls are not stars. In fact, they're the opposite of what stars should be. They are not beautiful, they are not graceful, and they certainly can't act. They can lose weight, make money, and embarrass their parents and America as a whole for setting an example of what we as a nation have come to value as "talent" and "entertainment". Long gone are the days of Audrey Hepburn, Grace Kelly, and Natalie Wood. I'm sure Vivian Leigh wouldn't be spending her time doing a second stint in rehab, just after collapsing from alcohol poisoning. Marylin Monroe never looked like a skeleton and called it chic. These real women of Hollywood, or what Hollywood once was, would never have thought to make fools of themselves for the sake of publicity. They didn't need to flash the camera or make a scene while drinking under age to get in the papers or on the silver screen. Their natural ability to hold some one's attention, a nation's attention, came from who they were and what they could really do. Not from sleeping with their best friend's boyfriend or almost dropping their baby on the sidewalks of New York.

What's worse than these people making money off of their antics, is that we are to blame. We buy into all of their shit and go to see their crappy movies. We laugh as they jump up and down on couches or tattoo their bodies while practicing Kabalah. We feel bad for them if they lose their husband to some tramp who was just looking for a New Years Eve hook-up. We enable them to continue on in their debauchery. We need to STOP! This is not entertainment. It's life, and it's real, and it's sad.

And it's fucking annoying when some nice Jewish doctor is out there putting YOUR six carat ring on the bony finger of a crack whore, I mean actress.

Friday, June 1, 2007

Lord, Help Me Help Myself

Not the usual blog today. I'm going to be gone for the weekend, and won't be writing again until Monday. But, oh the DRAMA! Ex boyfriends, ex lovers, family members being drug up from the depths of my own personal hell...AKA Canada. AAGGHHHH!!

I need a break. I'm house sitting this weekend. I'm NOT moving off the couch.

See ya' Monday! I'll fill everyone in then on what's goin' on...promise :-)