Friday, August 10, 2007

Give Me Your Olives Or The Hoagie Gets It

Since becoming a vegetarian - "WHAT?! YOU?!" - Yes, I'm a vegetarian now. Anywhore, since becoming a vegetarian, I've become addicted to veggie subs. Like seriously, I eat them almost everyday. But it's cool because the whole thing only has like 450 calories. SCORE!
But getting these subs has become quite a stressful experience for me. You see, I like a lot of black olives on my subs, and by a lot, I mean like 2-3 handfuls. I heart them, they make my sub, and quite frankly I get a little more than miffed when some crazy person at a well known sub establishment gives me a hard time about the number of olives I require to enjoy my sandwich. It's none of their damn business if you ask me. Which is what I'm here to bitch about today.
Toppings. At most food joints, like sub shops and southwest"grills" they have them to go on your burritos, nachos, sandwiches, what-have-you. Now, when you order food in these places, you have to "pay" for the bread or tortilla you want, your meat of choice(which in my case is none which makes me even more angry when they deny me olives, but we'll get to that later), but the "toppings" are supposed to be "free", meaning that you can get as much as you want, as opposed to having to pay more for extra meat or cheese. In actuality, you're paying for the whole damn sandwich, right down to the wax paper it's wrapped in. Those bastards don't give anything away for free. Not even the air you breathe while in their store.
What kills me about places like this:
1. Their food is supposed to be made to YOUR liking. Not John-Dead-Beat-Can't-Get-A-Better-Job's liking. Not the manager's liking. Not corporate's liking. Not even your Aunt Millie's liking. If they want to regulate the amount of lettuce you get, then they should just make the sandwich themselves and not even ask for your opinion in the first place. Obviously they know better than you do how you like your food. Why even have the glass partition there? Why not just make the food in the kitchen and bring it out when it's done? Why not just TELL people what they want? And what's with that glass partition anyways? What is this, Jail? I mean, what's the point? Are they afraid that someone is gonna jump over the counter and run off with their pickles?
2. If people wanted to be told that they shouldn't be eating something, they would go to their Mother's house. I have parents, thank you. I don't need a whole other group of people saying "You know, you really don't need that much." Was I asking you? No, I was not. I believe what I said was "I would like more jalapenos." If I get heartburn, or indigestion, or have an allergic reaction, isn't that MY business? Since when did the AHA start paying these places to put their two cents in? What business is it of theirs if you want clogged arteries or high cholesterol? Judgement is reserved for Mom and Church/Temple. It has no place in Subway.
3. The people making your food aren't paying for the things they're withholding. What does it matter to the snot nosed kid behind the counter how much damn vinegar you want? So what if you require an inordinate amount of tomatoes? What does it matter to them if you have a thing for cucumbers? I mean, if the amount of toppings you used came out of their paycheck, I could understand that. But it doesn't. Why aren't there more people out there stickin' it to the man?
Yes, I use the term stickin' it to the man. What man I'm stickin' it to exactly, I don't know. I imagine him to be tall, dark, and handsome, and to be sitting in a room with piles of money and sweet n' low, laughing maniacally about the distribution of black olives.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Saving 20 Minutes

I am a total girlie girl. I love all things pink, sparkly, flowery, sweet-smelling, and chocolate. I wear high heels even though they kill my feet(except for the expensive ones which may explain my credit card debt), I put on necklaces and earrings and watches and rings, I agonize over what to wear when I know I'll be seen by people other than my Family and my boss(because, you know, spending 45 hours a week with me kinda shoes you in to fam status), and I ALWAYS wear perfume anywhere I go, because I just love hearing "You smell fantastic" from everyone...even the grocery clerk.
I think most women feel the same way about most of these things. I mean, what's the point of being a girl if you don't smell, feel, taste, and look better than men? There isn't one. But there is one of my/our daily routines that I realized this morning may not be so necessary after all. And let me say this before I go any further: I was kinda pissed when I realized that this routine of mine was not a necessity because like most women, I spend hundreds of dollars every year on these products, hours and hours of my time each month actually doing it, and precious minutes each day making sure it's perfect. My makeup. Yeah, my FREAKING makeup.
I went to the beach on Monday and got severely sunburned. Not so sunburned that I had to go to the hospital or anything, but to me, if I'm in pain, it's severe. SO, I got sunburned on my nose, forehead and shoulders. Since I do not enjoy the burning sensation I get every time I touch my face, I decided to forgo the makeup until the redness dies down. I was a little nervous because I wear makeup everyday. I wear foundation, blush, powder, mascara and chap stick(yes, it's makeup because it's pink). But what I discovered when I walked in to my office and took a glance in the mirror is that I looked exactly the same as when I do wear makeup. Not that my face is red when I wear makeup, the redness has gone away but the pain is still there. BUUTTT....about the looking the same....WTF?!?
I mean, here I am, spending at least 15 minutes every morning putting this shit on my face, and to my horror(but I suppose later glee), I look EXACTLY THE FUCKING SAME! Let me fill you in on what I go through every morning:
1. Foundation to cover any redness or blotchiness that may have sprung up due to a) a heavy night of drinking or b) a heavy night of crying or c) total lack of sleep to do work/men/a/b/ or a horrendous combination of all of the above. Or just to even out my skin tone, aka take away any color so that I can later add it back.
2. Dust my face with powder to keep said foundation from coming off, or to keep myself from being all shiny when the temp outside reaching 20,000 degrees.
3. Put on bronzer and blush to add color BACK to my face, but in a totally I-don't-wear-blush-or-bronzer-because-my-skin-is-naturally-perfectly-toned kinda way.
4. Line my eyes with liner and then apply one coat of mascara to the top lashes and one to the bottom to make my eyes look all shiny and come-hither, but not in a whorish kinda way, just a aren't-I-pretty-kinda way.
I know it's only four steps, but it takes up time that I could be sleeping, or reading a magazine, or sleeping, or watching TV, or sleeping. And I don't even need it!!! I was putting on makeup, as I suspect all women do, to look exactly the same as when we started only slightly less flawed. Well ladies, let me tell you a secret that will save you thousands of dollars and hours of time. Go get a sunburn.
And then go out and spend that money on some clothes...because no matter how red the rest of your body is, you don't look the same naked as you do clothed.