Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Don't Feed The Animals, Thank You

- A man asked me today if the plate of cookies we had up front in our office were cookies you eat. I said "Yep, sure are. Take as many as you like." But all the while, I was wondering to myself how many fake cookies this man has come across in his lifetime. I mean, I've seen fake food displays, don't get me wrong. I've seen friends decorate their dining room tables with vases and bowls of fake fruit(which sounds tacky as hell, but if done the right way, actually looks pretty and festive), I've seen fake sandwiches at subway, so as to demonstrate what your actual sandwich will not resemble in the slightest, and at The Loop restaurant they usually have one of their dishes made and out for show so people can see what it looks like. I know that technically that last one wasn't fake food, but since you're not supposed to eat it, we'll consider it "fake". But never have I seen fake food in an office. What's the point? We're not selling food, so it's not a "preview" of what you're getting. Even in places like Doctors' offices, or Banks, when they put out bowls of candy, I never think to myself "What a lovely display of breath mints." Because, if there's some kind of food out in an office, it's for customers to eat, not just admire. Then again, I could have completely misunderstood what he meant. Maybe he was under the influence of a hallucinogen and thought they weren't real, as in not really there. Either way sir, take as many fake cookies as your little heart desires.

- Since I can't really think of anything else that has happened today that makes me wonder "Is it just me?", I thought that I would address a question I get from my friends and loved ones about some of the topics on this blog. Yes, these things really happen. No, I am not embellishing the truth. Word for crazy word, that is what went down. I guess reading this, as someone who didn't experience it personally, one would think "That could never happen. People don't do/say/ask/ things like that." But I assure you, dear readers, that people do in fact do/say/ask things like that ALL THE TIME. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I attract the crazies, or make them feel as though they can really open up and be themselves around me. Maybe it's that combined with where I work(we get some off the rockers in here). One may never know. That's why I started this blog. Because I just knew that while the things that happen to and around me sometimes(well, let's be honest, always) get on my nerves or piss me off, I cannot deny that they are all at once entertaining, enlightening, and words of indirect warning. That, and I wanted to let everyone else out there who asks that same question day in and day out know that, no, it is not just you.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

You Glow Girl

- People's narcissism never ceases to amaze me. The conversation I have most often with people that call the office goes something like this: Person:"Hi, this is Bill. One of your attorneys did some work for me a few years ago, and I was wondering if I could get a copy of my file." Me: "Bill, do you have a last name?" Person: "Smith. Do you know when I could pick that up?" Me: "How many years ago was it?" Person:" Back in 01." Me: "Well, probably by the end of the week. I'll have to pull your file and copy it." Person:" Well, I was thinking more like this afternoon." Reeeeeaallllyyyyyyy? When faced with these kinds of statements, I always have to take a moment to consider whether laughter would an inappropriate response. Unfortunately, the answer is yes. First of all, who calls their former Attorney after 7 years, or ever, and only gives their first name? Second, who calls the DAY OF and asks for work that was done that long ago? But my favorite part is the attitude I get when I don't know who they are. I feel like saying "Sir, unless your name is George Clooney, you could have come in to the office yesterday and spent 5 hours talking to me and I still would not remember you. We're your attorney, not your Mother. It's not our job to make you feel special." Am I wrong?

- I love gossip columns like a sexaholic loves porn...well, maybe not that much, but they do hold a special place in my heart. One thing that's been all the rage lately is that Angelina Jolie is believed to be preggers. And the overwhelming evidence of this is that she "that glow." Yeah, uh-hu, sure, that could be it. Or it could be that she's rolling in dough, gets the best beauty treatments money can buy, has nothing to worry about ever, and gets to bang one of the hottest men alive every single day(yeah, I said it). I mean, really, it's a toss up. Don't get me wrong, I think Angie deserves everything she has. Not only is she one of the most generous celebs out there, but really an example to humanity as a whole. Kudos to you, Angie, kudos to you. And if you want to throw some of that money my way, that's cool too.

Bagles Are Made of Bread...Right?

I went to Panera this morning to get some coffee. Big mistake. While I was standing in line, I could tell that the woman in front of me looked confused. I figured that she was just trying to decide what kind of bagel she wanted, as that can be a pretty stressful decision. Oh, how wrong I was. She gets up to the register(keep in mind, there are like 10 people in line behind her), and when the clerk asks her what she wants, she says "Oh, I just don't know. I'm on the low-carb diet, so I'm not sure what I can have." I kid you not, I turned around and walked out. One, because I didn't have time to stand there while genius came to the conclusion that she could not, in fact, have ANYTHING from Panera. And two, because I just knew that I didn't have the level of self control necessary to not ask this woman why she came, of all places, to a restaurant who's sign says "A Bread Company." Really, it's a question of knowing your limits.

- I have to say that I'm really proud of recent celeb Moms like Nicole Richie for making an attempt to give their children normal names. Harlow may not be the first thing that most people would think of, but at least it's not a food. I mean, what kind of name is Apple? Whenever I hear it, I think of the scene in Anchorman when Steve Carell says "I love lamp." I think that Gwen was just sitting at home one day before she went in to labor, spotted an apple sitting on her kitchen counter(or wherever it is that celebs keep their fruit), and decided then and there that she was naming her baby Apple. At least that's the way I see it going down.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

In The Event Of An Emergency, Please Contact Someone Who Cares

Ok, decided on a new format. From now on, unless I'm really harping on one topic, I will be providing you with my thoughts on various things that piss me off/make me laugh/confuse me more than chemistry(and that's pretty damn hard).

- I was standing in line at the bank today, all by myself, thinking about whether or not I should switch shampoos(as one does), when all of the sudden this guy comes in and gets in line behind me. Except, instead of standing at a comfortable, and might I add NORMAL, 2-3 feet away from me, he stood like 6 inches behind me. And stayed there. I have to say, in spite of him not doing anything weird or frightening, this really bothered me. I mean, he didn't smell offensive, or try and touch me, or have an obnoxious conversation on his cell phone, he just stood there quietly waiting for his turn. But why? Why, when there was about 8 feet worth of standing room, did he choose to stand RIGHT ON TOP OF ME? These are the kinds of things that really make me concerned about the metal health of the human race.

- A customer called the office today and asked to speak to a coworker that happened to be out of the office due to the death of a family member. When I told the customer that she was unavailable for the forseeable future, the person kept on and on, asking why she was out. Finally I told her that there had been a death in the family, just to shut her up, assuming that death would be sufficient reason for one to be out of the office. Do you know what the customer says to me? She says "Really?"What do you mean "Really?" No, not really. I just thought that it would be fun to tell you that someone had died. What kind of sicko would make something like that up, and what kind of idiot says "Really?" If you don't have a better response than "Really?", just don't say anything. Just hang up. It would make more sense than questioning the validity that someone did in fact die.

- It is now safe to say that I hate couples, who insist on making Valentine's Day the most importnant day ever, more this year than last year. And this year, I'm in a couple. I'm not saying that I hate the holiday, or what it stands for, or that I don't plan on celebrating it. I'm very happy to be celebrating Valentine's with my boyfriend. I'm sure it'll be special, and sweet and full of candy and cupid vomit which is presently covering the surface of every major grocery, drug, and department store. What I hate is people who shove the holiday down your throat. I was getting a pedicure the other day, and this girl that was sitting next tome starting chatting with me, which in itself should have told me that this was going nowhere good. I'm not an unfriendly person, I just don't feel the social obligation that most people do to fill silence between myself and a stranger with idle chit chat. But anyways, so this girl starts chatting with me, I think over my ring that I had on. Girls chat about those things. And now I remember how we got on the subject of V-day. She complimented my ring and asked if my boyfriend had given it to me. I told her no, that it was family heirloom, and left it at that. Well, she took that as an opening to start asking me what my plans were, what I was getting him, if I had any idea what he might be getting me, if I bought those "cute" little candy hearts, if we had a favorite restaurant that we would be visiting...on and on it went. I just told her that I really wasn't in to all the big fancy hearts and showy stuff on Valentine's Day, that I would be perfectly content to just "do whatever" with my boyfriend, and that I didn't know what I was getting him yet and I hadn't really thought about him getting me a gift. This girl looked at me like I had just proclaimed myself the next Mussolini and was planning a coup d'etat as we spoke. She asked "Oh, bad relationship?" First, what the hell is up with the totally inappropriate responses lately?? And second, why in the name of all that is holy would you ask a complete stranger that? I turned to her(because up until this point I just kept on reading my magazine hoping she would shut up. Obviously that was about as effective as trying to see snow by moving to Brazil) and said "No, we just have a great enough relationship that we don't have to tell each other how much it means by buying each other overpriced crap." I don't think her brain computed what I had just said. She went back to trying to decide on a polish color.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Devil May Care...But Then Again, Maybe Not

I can't concentrate today. I blame all the cold meds. So, we're gonna do things a little differently today.

- Heath Ledger died. I have no idea why this upsets me so much. I didn't know him personally, he wasn't one of my favorite actors, and although he never did anything scandalous, he never really did anything that made me say "Wow, what a truly amazing individual." But somehow, I am truly saddened by his passing. Maybe it's because he was only 28. Maybe it's because he had a daughter who will now never know what it really means to be Daddy's little girl. Maybe because he died the same way so many people in Hollywood do, well, so many people for that matter, which is alone...and naked. Or maybe it's because deep down, as fatalistic as it sounds, many of us expect death or disease from certain people. The people who do drugs, drink, party, sleep around, drive while under the influence, or mix illegal substances quicker than a bartender can serve you a mojito on a slow night. We're shocked when it's someone low key, someone who flies under the radar. But like they say, it's always the quiet ones you have to look out for.

- I recently learned how to play beer pong. OH. MY. GOD. I never got beer pong. I mean, really, if you want to get drunk, get drunk. Why stand around trying to land a ping pong ball in a cup of beer? Because it is so much FUN! That's why. I'm a pretty competitive person, and so is my boyfriend(which makes me even more competitive), and beer pong can get pretty intense. Especially if you're on a team. Boyfriend and I have yet to fight, we're just not fighting people. But I have a feeling that if we ever really do throw down, it's gonna be over who's fault it was that we didn't win the beer pong tournament. Seriously, some one's gonna miss the winning shot and it'll be on like donkey kong.

- I have become a very forgetful person. This kind of worries me, seeing as I'm all of 21. That's not supposed to happen for like another 40 years...right? The thing is though, it's never the important stuff like work or school, or ice cream at the grocery store. It's always stuff that, when I realize I've forgotten it, I'm not really all that upset about it. Usually it's plans that I didn't want to make in the first place, or to buy something that I didn't really need. So, the way I see it, my brain has just decided to save me from myself. It weeds out all the crap that doesn't need to be in there. And honestly, I think it's pretty cool that my brain considers picking up gum more important than lunch plans with that person who wanted to pick my brain about...hold on, I just had it.

- I would like to know why Myspace seems to be on a completely different time continuum than the rest of the world. Seriously. Have you ever sent someone a message, or written a blog, or posted a bulletin, and then gone back and looked at it later and it says that it was written/left/posted at 3:42 am when in fact the actual time was 6:30pm? This has been going on since I got on myspace 3 years ago. Is there some option to set your myspace clock that I don't know about? I know that this really should not be that big of a deal, but it bothers me. Mainly because I know people who actually stay up all night on their myspace, and I would never want anyone, not even my fake friends whom I have never met, to think that I am one of them.

- And my last thought for this post: I love that having babies is the new trend in Hollywood. Seriously, babies are the new Kabalah. Everyone is taking part. It would not surprise me one bit to find out that stars(and I use that term loosely) are designing their kids. I could totally hear one of them going ape shit on some poor geneticist over whether or not it's possible to design a child that will one day have the talent to sing, act, get a DUI by age 17, and have a cocoaine problem, all the while starring in TV series that promotes family values.