Tuesday, December 11, 2007
1. People who go out shopping during the 14 days before Christmas and take their sweet ass time. This tops the list because there is nothing more nerve racking and more likely to bring out some one's homicidal tendencies than a person who insists on walking as slow as is humanly possible through a mall, department store, grocery store, or other venue of Holiday supplies. I want to know who these people think they are. Why are they aimlessly wandering the aisles of sparkling green and red crap looking like lost children about to cry for their Mothers? Why are they not at home on their computers doing their shopping online and paying the extra $2,000 to get their packages here by Christmas Eve? Because obviously they lack the crucial ability to make split second decisions like: Peppermint or Chocolate? Small or Medium? Fur or Leather? Battery operated or Plug in? If you cannot decide in a nanosecond flat how many of those bookmarks that play Christmas carols when you open the page, that people will never use again, to buy as stocking stuffer for your third cousin twice removed....get the hell out of my way because I still have socks with tassels to pick out.
2. People who use the Holidays in a vain attempt to cover up their lack of manners. There are very few people that call my office, or bump into me in the street, or steal the last Cosmo Magazine right out from under me that I don't feel the urge to ask for their Mother's phone number so that I can call the woman up and ask her just what the hell she was thinking when she told her children it was OK to act that way. People seem to be inherently rude these days. Which is fine, if they own up to being rude. Like, just admit that you have an attitude problem. But do not, after just having acted like our consultation fee is a personal attack on you, or telling me that because your file is not sitting right next to me on my desk even though you haven't been a client for 3 years that I'm being irresponsible or am somehow incompetent, wish me a Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays. You don't mean it. In fact, I'm pretty sure that you mean the opposite of that. You're probably hoping that I'll get caught in an unwieldy set of lights and be strangled while carolers are outside my door humming silent night.
3. Parents who take their children Christmas shopping. Stop yelling at your children in the aisles like a pack of animals. They're children. They're genetically hardwired to like candy, stuffed animals, and anything that you can't afford. You chose to take them with you on your quest for the cheapest digital frame made. It's not their fault that you and your spouse/baby-daddy or mama can't divide household responsibilities and avoid this drama by having one parent stay home with the kids and the other go out shopping alone. Everytime I see you out there, in your hideous sweaters and birkenstocks, I'm tempted to buy whatever it is your brat wants and give it to them right then and there, just to spite you.
4. Party hosts who insist on doing gift exchange. I have no desire to fain excitement at the sight of yet another fruit cake. Nor do I wish to be expected to express delight over some hack's wayward attempt at "crafting". Forced gift exchange is bullshit. Like writing papers or studying for an exam, I am only good at buying gifts for people that I care about. It's as simple as that. The reason being that if I don't care about you then I probably have not spent the time necessary to get to know you, and therefore have no idea what the hell you want for Christmas. I also don't appreciate being put in the very awkward situation of having to pretend to like something I hate. I don't do dishonest emotions well. While my words may say "I love it", my face says "Would it be appropriate to throw up all over this needlepoint pillow?"
I'm sure there will be more, which I'll put in a blog entitled "Tis The Season To Throw Down, Part II". Until then, be safe, eat well, drink your weight in booze, and stop beating your children.
A good example of this is Carrie in SATC. I love that show. Really, I do. But my major issue with it is the same issue I have with these so called "free spirits of fashion." A towel is not an outfit. Neither is a man's shirt paired with a wide belt and a pair of high heels. Nor are ankle warmers and a night shirt. Adding high heels to something does not constitute getting dressed. And the thing that gets me most is when I see these women out with their friends or boyfriends. I would hope that if my friends came over to find me trying to pass off a slip, faux fur coat and pair of strappy scandals as an outfit, they would immediately call the men in the white coats because it would certainly mean that I had lost it for good and obviously needed help. Same with a boyfriend. While I don't think that couples should tell each other what to do or wear, I do think that boyfriends and girlfriends have a certain responsibility to each other to not let the other walk out of the house looking like a fool. It's just not nice. Love means occasionally having to say "Hon, you look demented."
Granted, I do live most of my life under the impression that the whole world is my bedroom. I mean, I would live in pajamas(complete with fuzzy slippers) if it was allowed. But it's not. The only places that it's OK for me to do that are in my house and at school(some of the time). When I'm at work, or going out, or doing anything in public, it's necessary to make the effort to throw on at least a pair of jeans and a top so that I don't look like I just rolled out of the bed 5 minutes before walking out the door. And I see these people out there in beach cover-ups, night shirts, or outfits fit for a stripper, and I want to walk up to them and ask "I just want to know what you were thinking when you got dressed this morning. Really, what was going through your head? Did you look in the mirror? Or just throw caution to the wind and hope for the best? And where are the cops? I believe this constitutes public indecency." And it's always in places like Target, or Wal-Mart, or Publix that I see them. Those are public places to , ya know! The rest of us are not impervious to your smell or horrible fashion choices just because the store is the size of a small country. Lingerie doesn't count either. Just because it costs more than your average pair of pants doesn't make it clothing.
But hey, I could be wrong. Maybe if I got out there in next to nothing, I'd see what all the rage is about. But with my luck, all I would end up seeing is the inside of a prison cell.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
And EVERYONE has one these days. Department stores, phone companies, the city, even the local deli. It's pure laziness, and what these places don't realize is that people don't want to talk to a recording. A recording can't understand what you're saying. It says that it can, but it's lying to you. Most say they can understand over 250 responses, but what they don't tell you is that "Live person" and "This is bullshit" aren't included in those.
I was on the phone with T-Mobile the other day trying to pay my bill, and I had to listen to the automated bitch drone on for 10 minutes before she let me say anything. I don't need to hear "We appreciate your call" and "Thank you for choosing T-Mobile". I know they don't appreciate my call, or they wouldn't be making me wait. I do not have time to carry on a one sided conversation with a recording, I'm not a bored housewife with no one to talk to. I have places to go and things to do. And God forbid I call from a crowded coffee shop or the office and some one's talking in the background or I'm trying to type while on hold. If a strong wind blows through, the auto-whore thinks I told her that I wanted to go back to the main menu and then I have to start the whole process all over again. And they never give you the option upfront to talk to a live person, that's the last resort. The damn thing will hang up on you before it'll put you through to a "customer care representative." Then I get on the phone with a real person, and by that point I'm so angry that I'm screaming at them like they're deaf and swearing them black and blue for asking me the same fucking questions for the tenth time. Yes, I am aware that I can access my account online. I'm not retarded, I wasn't trying to access the Internet by calling you, obviously I wanted to talk to a live person. No, I do not want to go over my bill, I just want to pay it. Why the hell did I have to press a million keys to navigate my way to you if all you're going to do is ask me the same shit over and over and over again?
Then they have no answers for you and suggest you go online to the FAQ's section of your profile. And my question is, why the hell are they paying these people? What are they here for, to tell you that they can't help you? To give you attitude because you're interrupting their hundredth game of solitaire? C'mon Buddy, I don't like a lot of our clients either, but I don't act as though they're inconveniencing me when I have to actually do my job and help them with what they need. But the best is when they ask you to calm down, as if you're going to jump through the phone and harm them. Believe me, if it was possible, everyone in the cable industry would be in serious trouble. I know people who have broken their remotes waiting to talk to someone. I know people who have broken their TVs waiting to talk to someone.
And then there are the freaks who enjoy talking to the auto-voice. I guess those are the ones too cheap to pay for phone sex.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
The only names I've used in my blog are those of people in the public eye. I have never used the names of anyone that I know personally, or that someone has told me about. There's a reason for this also, and that reason is that I don't think it's necessary to call anyone out. Yes, I have a boss. So does everyone else I know. I have a family, so does everyone else I know. I have ex boyfriends, and friends, and so does everyone else I know. The people I write about come from a lot of different sources. They come from bosses, families, and friends that I know, and they come from bosses, families, and friends that people around me know and have. If you read something in this blog that you think is about you, consider why that is before you ask me about it, because all I'm going to say to you is "Your name isn't on it." Everyone out there has something about themselves that's embarrassing, or that they would rather not have pointed out to them in the form of an accusatory rampage, and that includes me, but we don't live in a world where everyone likes us all the time and has only nice things to say about us. And there's only two ways to handle that. You can either choose to laugh off or ignore what you don't like or know isn't true, or you can give in to the curiosity and keep going back for more.
I don't want anyone who reads this to think that they can't throw criticism my way. I welcome it, and any writer who doesn't is doing themselves a disservice. But, criticism and hypocrisy are two different things. Before you suggest that someone lightens up on the cynicism, look in your own backyard. While I may write about people, and what bothers me about them, I would NEVER dream of saying those things to them directly or to one of their friends unless the situation called for it and I knew they would take it in good stride as I would if someone were to say the same to me. But, I know people who would not only dream of doing it, but think nothing of the consequences it has on the people around them, including their spouse. If you find someone annoying, or think they're a pill popping maniac, or believe them to be below you for whatever reason, that's fine. But do not, unless you want to alienate everyone around you, say it to them or to one of their friends thinking that it's acceptable behavior. Toddlers know better. And it does get back to the person it was being said about. That's how you lose clients, that's how you lose friends, that's how you run your reputation into the ground.
My blog is not going to change. And I make no apologies for what's in it.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
This doesn't insult me just because I'm Jewish. Yes, that is one of the reasons, but it is not the only reason. It's insulting to me as a person, and as someone who doesn't choose to discount the suffering of others as means of validating my own ends. He mentioned that one of his favorite activities is reading books. A few suggestions:
The Internet for Dummies (Paperback) by John R. Levine (Author), Carol Baroudi (Author), Margaret Levine Young (Author)
Photographing the Holocaust: Interpretations of the Evidence By Janina Struk
In Pursuit of Justice: Examining the Evidence of the Holocaust By United States Holocaust Memorial Museum
Brainwashing: The Science of Thought Control By Kathleen Taylor
A short excerpt from the interview:
"Well, don't be hasty sir," the president said. "I'm going to get to that. I think that the Israeli government is a fabricated government."
"Fabricated" following the Holocaust, which he's said may also have been fabricated. Last December. Ahmadinejad said the Europeans had created a myth of the Holocaust. "What I did say was, if this is a reality, if this is real, where did it take place?" Ahmadinejad replied.
"In Germany," Wallace said.
"Who — who caused this in Europe?" Ahmadinejad asked.
"In Europe. If I may … so …what you're suggesting — one moment — what you're suggesting then, that Israel should be over in Germany because that's where the holocaust took place?" Wallace asked.
"I'm not saying that, mind you," the president replied. But he has said Israel could be moved to Europe, or even to the United States but it shouldn't be in Palestine.
Hmmm...OK, so Israel should now be in Germany because 70 years ago Hitler and his band of lemmings decided that Jews were polluting the "purity" of their race? Never mind that after World War I , the League of Nations approved the British Mandate for Palestine with the intent of creating a "national home for the Jewish people", or that Jews, along with Christians and Muslims, regard that area as their Holy Land(for some as far back as 3 thousand years), or that Israel as a nation has declared it's independence and fought(like every other nation in the history of the world) for the right to be where they are. No, absolutely not. Israel should be in Germany, since that's where the worst genocide, that Mahmoud claims never happened, took place. Then he takes a turn. He actually gives no reasoning for believing that Israel should be anywhere but in Palestine, it "just should be". Perhaps it was because he realized what he was saying made no sense: That Israel should be in Germany because that's where the Holocaust that never happened took place.
Maybe it's just me, but I don't think someone who has that hard a time getting their shit straight should be in charge of a house plant, let alone an entire nation.
But, since Mr. Ahmadinejad seems to be having such a hard time with the extensive research, photos, first hand accounts, diaries, records, etc. that prove the Holocaust happened, I have an idea:
Mahmoud, I would be happy to personally escort you to one of the many concentration camps still standing, and demonstrate for you not only the fascinating precision of German engineering, but the true experience of what you claim never happened. Here's how it'll go down: We're going to test the gas chambers. You go in, and I'll turn it on. You know those monstrosities still work, they were made by the same people who make Mercedes and BMW's for God's sake, and if there's anyone who appreciates a piece of fine machinery, I know it's you. If, after it turns itself off, you walk out the other side, I'll consider seeing things your way.
Friday, September 28, 2007
1. I just started my fall semester of my Junior year of college, so I have homework and all that good stuff going on.
2. I've been slightly preoccupied with the craziness going on at work and with the people I call my friends. I'm just kidding, I really do love my friends, some of them just happen to be really whacked out sometimes...but hey, who isn't?
3. I haven't been all that angry lately. I mean, I'm always angry or bitching about something, but I haven't really been the kind of angry that's necessary to be outrageously rude and politically incorrect, and I wouldn't dream of giving all of you anything less than that.
But this last reason brings me to my mini-blog topic. Why is it that we find anger so funny? Is it because we, as a society, are just pissed off at everyone all the time? Why are we so cynical and jaded?
Perhaps it's because we have people lying and saying things like "The Holocaust never happened".
That's the topic of my next blog, stay tuned.
Monday, September 24, 2007
The answer to that question is this: One day, the person you're blocking won't be a nice girl who plans to go to law school and therefore can't harm you, lest she be banned from the ABA after being brought up on federal assault charges. It will be some other person who has somewhere to go and things to do, unlike yourself who has absolutely nowhere to be ever, who will not hesitate to physically move you out of their way.
I just don't understand the mentality behind preventing people from doing things in a timely manner. I'm not saying that everyone doesn't have the right to be in the grocery store, or the bank, or restaurants whenever they want to be. I'm just suggesting that as a manner of courtesy, unless you're old in which case you don't really have to follow the rules anymore because you've earned that right, please don't go to any of these places during the hours that those of us who have jobs are trying to utilize their services. If you've forgotten what these hours are from lack of being useful, or never having contributed at all, here's a schedule:
Hours Off Limits to Those Whose Sole Purpose is:
Getting Hair Done, Baby Making, Shopping, "Tooling":
7am-9:30am(These are the hours when those of us with jobs are driving to work and trying to get something to eat on the way, because God knows that we wouldn't dream of putting off getting Corporate America going in the morning, lest we rob the rest of you of something to NOT do.)
11am-1:30 pm(These are the hours that those of us with jobs are trying to get some lunch. You see, because we rush to work in the morning and have to sit through what feels like Dante's Inferno driving home at night, we have no time or energy to pack nutritious meals to take with us for lunch. But, if you should feel so inclined, and you happen to be one of the inconsiderate bastards who I know will be out at my favorite restaurant tomorrow, eating at my table on my lunch hour, you are more than welcome to bring me a salad on your way to the craft store.)
4:30pm-6:30pm(These are the hours when those of us with jobs are trying to get home to our families or televisions, both of which are equally important to us. I don't know what any of you could possibly be out doing at this hour. That's all I have to say about that.)
But, if any of you should happen to find yourselves out and about during these hours because maybe you just lost track of time, fear not, there are plenty of us willing and ready to tell you exactly where you should go.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Ladies, listen, there is nothing wrong with a man wanting to be with you, but no one should be ADDICTED to you. They have rehab for that shit...and restraining orders.
I am not in any way condoning the behavior of women who do actually lie and say they want "this" when they really want "that". But, for the women who put it all out on the table and are still hitting the same wall over and over again, let me just say that I have no fucking clue what is wrong with men these days. And no, this is not a man-bashing post. If you know me at all, you know by now that I am an equal opportunity basher. Women do it too. Men tell them that they need space and don't want a serious relationship and that work/school/family/pottery lessons take up most of their time and they really don't have time for a commitment, but then when the women are actually faced with the reality of what that means, they flip out and say that the men led them on. But, since I am a woman, we're going to look at it from the woman's point of view. Men, feel free to tell me that I sound like a guy on this, it's nothing I haven't heard before.
I have been in 3 serious relationships. By serious, I mean that I consider these men to be my ex's and while I was with them I made a reasonable effort to be monogamous and try that thing that starts with a "c"...what is it? Oh yes, compromise. It means that on occasion, I made allowances for their needs, even when they conflicted with my own, and to a almost surprising extent, I sought their advice or opinions when I didn't have to, because hey, that's what you do when you're with someone. But anywhore, I have been in 3 relationships, and countless non-relationships(I dated the guy but never considered him my boyfriend or told him that I was his girlfriend). But no matter the nature of the relationship, I tell every man that I am seeing the same thing, and that is: I am not available 24/7. I enjoy school, and it is the most important thing in my life. I am very focused, I want to be successful and nothing is standing in my way of that. I do not play well with others, I don't like people touching my stuff unnecessarily, and that includes my body. I like my alone time, lots and lots of it. I read, I write, I listen to music and play dress up with my clothes, and I cannot concentrate or do those things if I have to worry constantly that someone else isn't getting enough attention. I don't feel the need to see the person I'm with more than twice a week...maybe three if I'm feeling super special, I have a lot of people in my life that I want to spend time with, and the amount of time I want to spend with someone is directly proportional to how long I've known them. I don't like the phone, and do not, under any circumstances, feel the need to sit and talk on it for hours on end with anyone. The only people I chat with on the phone are my Girlfriends and female members of my family, and that's because we're talking smack about everyone.
But no one ever listens. They say they're listening and that they get it, but they're obviously lying, because about a month into dating, the phone calls start. The phone calls, with the questions, and the accusations.
"Where are you?" - Out
"What are you doing?" - None of your business
"Who are you with?" - People
"Are you busy?" - Extremely
"So, what's up?" - Didn't I just say I'm busy?
"Do you want to go to dinner tonight?" - No
"Do you have plans tonight?" - If you count my couch and Tony Soprano
"Why don't you pick up when I call you?" - I don't want to
"We haven't seen each other in a week." - I knew there had to be a reason that it's been easier to breathe
"Are you mad at me?" - I will be if you ask me one more question
"Can I come over?" - No, if I wanted you in my home I would invite you over myself
"Why do you keep avoiding me?" - Because you never leave me alone
"Is something wrong?" - Yes, you don't listen when I talk to you
"Is there someone else?" - How could I have time to date someone else when you're on me 24/7?
"Why do you leave right after sex?" - Because if I wanted to talk I would call one of my Girlfriends
"Have I done something to upset you?" - I have no idea because you've kept me in a constant state of pissed off for a few days now, so I no longer know what it feels like to NOT be upset
"Are we breaking up?" - I don't care what you do, just leave me out of it
Is it too much to ask for a boyfriend that appreciates distance and autonomy instead of clinging onto someone for dear life? People don't need to be around each other that much, ever. Men, and women, need to stop lying to each other about what they expect and what they can handle. I get it if you want to be in a relationship that's like a dual life support system, but leave me out of it. I'm honest about my limitations and how much I can take and what I have time for, and I would really like one day to find a man that can not only say that he gets it, but can ACTUALLY get it.
Or, at the very least, a man who won't complain about my relationship with my TV.
Friday, September 7, 2007
I am a modern woman. While I may get stressed out at work or school, I am always able to come back down at the end of the day. I wouldn't dream of walking into my boss's office and announcing that I was leaving, because despite all of the bullshit that my job entails, I love it. I love my boss, I love my co-workers in a very non-loving way, and deep down I know I love the pressure and the experience. On that same note, I wouldn't stop going to school for anything, not even a million dollars. I love school, my professors, my hour-long debates with my classmates, the homework, and most of all the knowledge I gain by going. School is something I do just for me. But for the life of me, I cannot seem to make a relationship stick.
No, I have never been dumped. I am always the person doing the dumping, due to my severe neurosis about men and love. I sabotage relationships because I hate anything that is unpredictable or that doesn't follow a set formula. With school and work it's simple. Go to class, make good grades, graduate, get a job, work hard, climb the ladder, make money, make partner, make a difference. If you're strong willed and don't mind spending 100 or more hours a week at work, it's cake. It's guaranteed, it's YOURS. But with relationships, there's the other person to worry about. Their feelings, their fears, their path in life and how you can make your different paths somehow run parallel. They demand time and energy and commitment...the C word. Oh, commitment, the evil, wicked word that haunts me in my worst nightmares. Who has time for all that?
Let me just give it to you straight: I do not do commitment well, or at all really. I haven't pin pointed the exact moment that it happens, but any guy dating me is guaranteed fidelity for about the first 5 dates, and after that it's a game of "where's my girlfriend", because here's my train of thought after I am appointed some one's significant other: Why am I with this person? Is he what I want? Do I have time for this relationship? I'm too young for this kind of commitment. His voice bothers me. Is he Jewish? Why does he keep staring at me? Can I wear heels and still be shorter than him? Are we spending too much time together? Is it wrong to sleep with him if I don't plan on staying with him? Does he know I make more money than him? Would it bother him if he did? Is that the same shirt he wore the other night? What would my family think of him? What would our kids look like? Why am I thinking about having kids with him? Is this the age I should be looking for something serious? What does he plan to do with his life? Why hasn't he decided on a career yet? Is that a bad sign? Is it going to bother him that work and school come before him? What will he say when I tell him I only want to see him about every two weeks? Are his teeth naturally straight? Will he understand me having so many friends that are men? What are his views on the war? Is he a Republican? Why does he click his tongue like that when he's reading? How long before I can break up with him, and can I do it via email?
So, you see, there is a lot that goes into the freak out process. I have always thought that when I met the right man, all my bullshit would stop and I would be fine. But I'm starting to see that that theory itself is BS. So, I suppose I'll just have to find someone as crazy as me, because God knows I don't want anyone normal. What fun would that be?
Friday, August 10, 2007
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Unlike most of my blogs whose titles are a spin on a popular catch phrase, this blog is wholly serious and not to be taken lightly. Please click on the link above and read the article.
There is no excuse for abandonment of pets. These creatures are innocent and deserve to be treated with respect and love. It breaks my heart, and makes my stomach sick, to hear that there are people out there who care so little that they leave their animals to die when their own choices lead them to foreclosure.
So please, pass the word on. Even if you just email one person the link, raising awareness is the first step to solving this problem. And if you, like the woman in this article, happen to pass by what looks like an abandoned house, take a moment and call your local pet rescue or even just the police. They will know what to do, and that phone call could be the difference between an animal living or dying.
And if you think this is funny or stupid, or that it's not worth mentioning because one person doesn't make a difference, then keep your thoughts to yourself you sick fuck. No one wants to hear from you.
Monday, July 9, 2007
Maybe it's just me, but the thought of moving in with a boyfriend makes me want to crawl under my covers and hide. I'm a play-it-safe kinda gal, practical to a fault. To my reasoning, I'm not at an age when I know who I want to spend the rest of my life with. The only man who fits that description right now is Ari Gold. Yes folks, I have a celebrity crush, and thy name is Jeremy Piven. But that's WAY off topic and could have me going for hours. He's Jewish, after all.
So, the rest of my life. I have no idea right now who that guy is, and so therefor, no idea who I will be moving in with when I decide to share my space with another human being. That's a big thing, to move in with someone that you're dating. I mean, there's a laundry lost of details to think of. How are the bills being paid? Do I want to be around this person this much? Who's bed are we using? Will we have pets? Can I live with that noise he makes when he's eating pistachios? Do our schedules match up at least some of the time? Does this person want to be around ME this much? How big is the apartment/house? WHERE IS THIS GOING? The last being the most important. Maybe using the phrase "rest of my life" was a bit dramatic. But if not for the rest of it, how much of it? If you're young and in love, how do you know when it's right?
In a world where everything is speeding up, but we're waiting longer to get married and have kids, what's the middle of the road? Should we just take a chance and leap head first in to something we know may not turn out that well, or last that long just because we THINK it's what we want right now? Are we being too cautious by over analyzing and debating and mulling it over? Have we become jaded and spoiled by our own space, our own time, our own bathrooms? Should we be more willing to make the move?
I don't think so. I can only speak from personal experience, but I'm not one to play well with others for long periods of time. Below is my list of advantages to living alone:
1. When you clean something up, it stays clean until you mess it up again.
2. When you're ready to go to bed, you just go to bed. No snoring to wake you up.
3. When you come home, it's quiet. You don't have to see anyone until you choose to.
4. You can buy as many clothes and shoes as your two closets and hallway alcove will hold.
5. You don't have to keep anything but ice cream and vodka in the fridge.
6. You can spend an entire weekend doing nothing but watching old movies and crying if it's that time of month. Sweatpants included. No one will see you.
7. You can decorate your sanctuary with as many flowers, polka dots, sparkles and pink crap as you want.
8. You can listen to your guilty pleasures(mine is Natalie Merchant) as loud as you please. You can even dance around with your hairbrush as your mic.
9. There's no one to complain of feeling that your vibrator is replacing them.
10. Everyone woman needs her space. And by space I mean bathroom.
Reasons to have a man around:
1. To carry the groceries in.
2. Unlimited sex.
3. To fix stuff.
4. To eat that strange casserole looking thing that you made.
I'm sure there are other advantages to living with a man that I am unaware of, but this is my blog and so the list stays at 4.
I'm not saying that I DON'T enjoy having a man around. I enjoy having them with me to share many of life's pleasures, such as traveling, cooking, watching the sunrise, swimming, and cuddling(although I must admit that I can only take that for about 5 minutes and then I'm done). But at the end of the day, until I find my Mr. Right To Move In With, I just want my space.And my own bathroom.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Dating is supposed to be a chance for two people to get to know one another. So, the following are my suggestions of REAL dates that two people who are considering dating each other should go on in order to expedite the process, and cut through all the bullshit.
1. Grocery Shopping: You can tell a lot about person by looking at what they eat. You can also gauge how willing they are to cater to your cravings for things such as blue cheese and Cosmopolitan magazine. In my opinion, the first time you go shopping with your new love is a very important step in getting to know who it is that you're really with. You find out what hair products and deodorant they use, what cereal they start their day with, what kind of TP they prefer. What if you're a double roll, two ply kind of gal, and he's still stuck in the one ply, shred-your-ass-to-pieces days. Are they a vegetarian, or carnivore? When you go to their house, will you find your favorite soda in their fridge, or be stuck with soy milk and fiber cookies? Do they use creamer in their coffee? Or do they take it black? Will they be insulted if you chow down on pasta while they sit nibbling on a piece of celery? So, go shopping with them. Find out what's going in to their body. Don't forget tampons while you're there.
2. Social Security Office: Nothing tests a person's patience like the SSO. Crowds of sweaty, stinky, impatient people with screaming babies who don't speak English surround you as you and your love interest try to get to know each other. This will help you to see just how much self control they have. Do they start screaming that it's hot and they just can't take it anymore? Do they start making racist comments under their breath, or even better, out loud? Do they lose it with the person at the counter because the line wasn't moving fast enough? Watch and learn. If they start to pick fights with the other applicants, get out of there stat.
3. Laundry: This is really where it gets good. If Grocery Shopping tells you a lot about a person, then doing laundry with someone is the equivalent of giving each other barium enemas. It all starts with the underwear. Boxers, Briefs, Tighty Whities? Thongs, French Cut, Ganny panties? How clean do they keep themselves? Do their clothes reek of smoke and beer, or have huge rips and stains on them? Do they separate their whites and colors? Do they use fabric softener and dryer sheets, or do they throw caution to the wind and brave the static cling and harsh feel of washed cotton on their skin? Do they have system to keep their socks together? Do they own clothes that require dry cleaning? Do they have laundry day clothes that aren't completely hideous and embarrassing? As soon as you spot skid marks, it's time to get out of there. No good can come of that.
4. Holiday Shopping: OK, let me start by saying that if you dare to go Holiday Shopping with someone, you had better know that there's the potential to be VERY in to them, and vice versa. Whether you are picking out gifts to be wrapped in red and green, or blue and silver, all religions have one thing in common. The gifts had better be good. You do NOT want to be involved with someone who doesn't even make a rough outline of their strategy. What shops are they going to? Do they know where they're located so as to avoid having to double back? Do they plan to be up at dawn to beat the crowds? Do they have their budget written out? Do they have gift ideas, complete with back ups, listed with pictures and color coded depending on who they are going to? If not, you should ask yourself "Do I really want to be involved with someone who is this unorganized when it comes to these kinds of things?" Seriously people, I speak from experience on this one, holiday shopping will tear couples apart faster than an STD.
5. Family Brunch: It's true that when you date someone, you are dating the family as well. You need to get to know these people, and the sooner the better. I suggest a nice place on the water, or at least with an awesome view of whatever city you live in. There's a few things to check for in this situation. One, if you drink, do they drink? You need to be able to be yourself around them, and if yourself is a lush, better to get it out in the open now. If Mom doesn't have a hard drink by 11 am, this relationship may not be for you. Two, if you laugh, do they laugh? A shared sense of humor with at least one of the parents is imperative. Can you talk about the important things in life, like gossip and politics? Do they listen and nod, or is Dad rolling his eyes? Three, when you order a huge steak with your eggs, do they order the veggie platter? We're all people, and we have to learn to respect each other's differences. If you don't want meat, or they don't go anywhere near dairy, everyone has to agree to disagree. The minute someone opens their mouths about your eating habits, politely excuse yourself and don't forget to take the champagne with you.
There you have it. These dates guarantee that you don't waste anytime getting to know who someone really is. No more guessing games, no more button down shirts and high heels for no good reason. Just the truth, plain and simple.
Plus, who the hell wants to sit across the table from a stranger all night wondering whether or not you have spinach in your teeth when you can just go ahead and show them your underwear?
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Friday, June 8, 2007
What I don't love is the completely illogical and asinine worship of cocaine snorting, commando going, Scientology following, pseudo intellectual, fake Jews we call "Starlets". These girls are not stars. In fact, they're the opposite of what stars should be. They are not beautiful, they are not graceful, and they certainly can't act. They can lose weight, make money, and embarrass their parents and America as a whole for setting an example of what we as a nation have come to value as "talent" and "entertainment". Long gone are the days of Audrey Hepburn, Grace Kelly, and Natalie Wood. I'm sure Vivian Leigh wouldn't be spending her time doing a second stint in rehab, just after collapsing from alcohol poisoning. Marylin Monroe never looked like a skeleton and called it chic. These real women of Hollywood, or what Hollywood once was, would never have thought to make fools of themselves for the sake of publicity. They didn't need to flash the camera or make a scene while drinking under age to get in the papers or on the silver screen. Their natural ability to hold some one's attention, a nation's attention, came from who they were and what they could really do. Not from sleeping with their best friend's boyfriend or almost dropping their baby on the sidewalks of New York.
What's worse than these people making money off of their antics, is that we are to blame. We buy into all of their shit and go to see their crappy movies. We laugh as they jump up and down on couches or tattoo their bodies while practicing Kabalah. We feel bad for them if they lose their husband to some tramp who was just looking for a New Years Eve hook-up. We enable them to continue on in their debauchery. We need to STOP! This is not entertainment. It's life, and it's real, and it's sad.
And it's fucking annoying when some nice Jewish doctor is out there putting YOUR six carat ring on the bony finger of a crack whore, I mean actress.
Friday, June 1, 2007
I need a break. I'm house sitting this weekend. I'm NOT moving off the couch.
See ya' Monday! I'll fill everyone in then on what's goin' on...promise :-)