Friday, September 28, 2007

A Blog About Not Blogging

I have not been blogging as much recently for a few reasons:

1. I just started my fall semester of my Junior year of college, so I have homework and all that good stuff going on.

2. I've been slightly preoccupied with the craziness going on at work and with the people I call my friends. I'm just kidding, I really do love my friends, some of them just happen to be really whacked out sometimes...but hey, who isn't?

3. I haven't been all that angry lately. I mean, I'm always angry or bitching about something, but I haven't really been the kind of angry that's necessary to be outrageously rude and politically incorrect, and I wouldn't dream of giving all of you anything less than that.

But this last reason brings me to my mini-blog topic. Why is it that we find anger so funny? Is it because we, as a society, are just pissed off at everyone all the time? Why are we so cynical and jaded?

Perhaps it's because we have people lying and saying things like "The Holocaust never happened".

That's the topic of my next blog, stay tuned.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Two Cartons Of Eggs and An Hour Later

I realize that I am not the most forgiving or even understanding person on earth, but I really don't think it's too much to ask that we as a society respect each other's time, or lack there of. I'm well aware that thousands of us have the luxury of not having to work because either a) we married into money(yay for you...seriously), b) we are supported by the government( no yay for you), or c) our parents died young and left us enough money to buy whatever we want for as long as we want without having to wonder what it must be like to have self respect. But what I'm not getting at 11:30 am on a Tuesday when I'm standing impatiently behind Soccer Mom USA, tapping my heel VERY loudly and wondering to myself what long term effect hair bleach has on one's ability to choose the right cereal for one's family, is what the hell is going through some one's mind when they stand in the middle of the aisle with an over sized cart, blocking every one's way. I'm guessing it's something along these lines: "Should I bother moving my cart? No, I don't think so. Why is that girl staring at me? Maybe she needs to get by. She can go around. I mean, why should I move?"

The answer to that question is this: One day, the person you're blocking won't be a nice girl who plans to go to law school and therefore can't harm you, lest she be banned from the ABA after being brought up on federal assault charges. It will be some other person who has somewhere to go and things to do, unlike yourself who has absolutely nowhere to be ever, who will not hesitate to physically move you out of their way.

I just don't understand the mentality behind preventing people from doing things in a timely manner. I'm not saying that everyone doesn't have the right to be in the grocery store, or the bank, or restaurants whenever they want to be. I'm just suggesting that as a manner of courtesy, unless you're old in which case you don't really have to follow the rules anymore because you've earned that right, please don't go to any of these places during the hours that those of us who have jobs are trying to utilize their services. If you've forgotten what these hours are from lack of being useful, or never having contributed at all, here's a schedule:

Hours Off Limits to Those Whose Sole Purpose is:

Getting Hair Done, Baby Making, Shopping, "Tooling":

7am-9:30am(These are the hours when those of us with jobs are driving to work and trying to get something to eat on the way, because God knows that we wouldn't dream of putting off getting Corporate America going in the morning, lest we rob the rest of you of something to NOT do.)

11am-1:30 pm(These are the hours that those of us with jobs are trying to get some lunch. You see, because we rush to work in the morning and have to sit through what feels like Dante's Inferno driving home at night, we have no time or energy to pack nutritious meals to take with us for lunch. But, if you should feel so inclined, and you happen to be one of the inconsiderate bastards who I know will be out at my favorite restaurant tomorrow, eating at my table on my lunch hour, you are more than welcome to bring me a salad on your way to the craft store.)

4:30pm-6:30pm(These are the hours when those of us with jobs are trying to get home to our families or televisions, both of which are equally important to us. I don't know what any of you could possibly be out doing at this hour. That's all I have to say about that.)

But, if any of you should happen to find yourselves out and about during these hours because maybe you just lost track of time, fear not, there are plenty of us willing and ready to tell you exactly where you should go.

Monday, September 17, 2007

One More Thing...

I just had to point out how hilariously ironic it is that there is an ad that says "Attract 'Mr. Right':10 secrets to make a man positively addicted to you for life" or some bull like that, right above my blog on how NOT to have a man addicted to you.

Ladies, listen, there is nothing wrong with a man wanting to be with you, but no one should be ADDICTED to you. They have rehab for that shit...and restraining orders.

Sally Sensitive And The Whining Muskateers

OK, so I get that men like a girl who plays hard-to-get. I understand the whole chase and catching scenario, seduction, mystery, blah, blah, blah. Men, you seem to think that when a girl says no she really means yes(this has nothing to do with sex, in that case no always means no...and there's my responsibility plug), and that all she needs is convincing, and that if she would just give in and "surrender", she would be happy and realize that she really DID want to go out with you and just wasn't aware of how attractive you really are. Or, if you're dating, she just needs a little pushing to get through the times when she's sick of you or you're doing something that pisses her off, because after all, you know what's best for her. Well, here's a completely radical idea: What if women really do know what they want...and it's not more time with you?

I am not in any way condoning the behavior of women who do actually lie and say they want "this" when they really want "that". But, for the women who put it all out on the table and are still hitting the same wall over and over again, let me just say that I have no fucking clue what is wrong with men these days. And no, this is not a man-bashing post. If you know me at all, you know by now that I am an equal opportunity basher. Women do it too. Men tell them that they need space and don't want a serious relationship and that work/school/family/pottery lessons take up most of their time and they really don't have time for a commitment, but then when the women are actually faced with the reality of what that means, they flip out and say that the men led them on. But, since I am a woman, we're going to look at it from the woman's point of view. Men, feel free to tell me that I sound like a guy on this, it's nothing I haven't heard before.

I have been in 3 serious relationships. By serious, I mean that I consider these men to be my ex's and while I was with them I made a reasonable effort to be monogamous and try that thing that starts with a "c"...what is it? Oh yes, compromise. It means that on occasion, I made allowances for their needs, even when they conflicted with my own, and to a almost surprising extent, I sought their advice or opinions when I didn't have to, because hey, that's what you do when you're with someone. But anywhore, I have been in 3 relationships, and countless non-relationships(I dated the guy but never considered him my boyfriend or told him that I was his girlfriend). But no matter the nature of the relationship, I tell every man that I am seeing the same thing, and that is: I am not available 24/7. I enjoy school, and it is the most important thing in my life. I am very focused, I want to be successful and nothing is standing in my way of that. I do not play well with others, I don't like people touching my stuff unnecessarily, and that includes my body. I like my alone time, lots and lots of it. I read, I write, I listen to music and play dress up with my clothes, and I cannot concentrate or do those things if I have to worry constantly that someone else isn't getting enough attention. I don't feel the need to see the person I'm with more than twice a week...maybe three if I'm feeling super special, I have a lot of people in my life that I want to spend time with, and the amount of time I want to spend with someone is directly proportional to how long I've known them. I don't like the phone, and do not, under any circumstances, feel the need to sit and talk on it for hours on end with anyone. The only people I chat with on the phone are my Girlfriends and female members of my family, and that's because we're talking smack about everyone.

But no one ever listens. They say they're listening and that they get it, but they're obviously lying, because about a month into dating, the phone calls start. The phone calls, with the questions, and the accusations.

"Where are you?" - Out
"What are you doing?" - None of your business
"Who are you with?" - People
"Are you busy?" - Extremely
"So, what's up?" - Didn't I just say I'm busy?
"Do you want to go to dinner tonight?" - No
"Do you have plans tonight?" - If you count my couch and Tony Soprano
"Why don't you pick up when I call you?" - I don't want to
"We haven't seen each other in a week." - I knew there had to be a reason that it's been easier to breathe
"Are you mad at me?" - I will be if you ask me one more question
"Can I come over?" - No, if I wanted you in my home I would invite you over myself
"Why do you keep avoiding me?" - Because you never leave me alone
"Is something wrong?" - Yes, you don't listen when I talk to you
"Is there someone else?" - How could I have time to date someone else when you're on me 24/7?
"Why do you leave right after sex?" - Because if I wanted to talk I would call one of my Girlfriends
"Have I done something to upset you?" - I have no idea because you've kept me in a constant state of pissed off for a few days now, so I no longer know what it feels like to NOT be upset
"Are we breaking up?" - I don't care what you do, just leave me out of it

Is it too much to ask for a boyfriend that appreciates distance and autonomy instead of clinging onto someone for dear life? People don't need to be around each other that much, ever. Men, and women, need to stop lying to each other about what they expect and what they can handle. I get it if you want to be in a relationship that's like a dual life support system, but leave me out of it. I'm honest about my limitations and how much I can take and what I have time for, and I would really like one day to find a man that can not only say that he gets it, but can ACTUALLY get it.

Or, at the very least, a man who won't complain about my relationship with my TV.

Friday, September 7, 2007

Sorry, I Have A Freak Out Scheduled For 8:30

The modern woman: She's collected, smart, witty, competent, and knows what she wants. She wastes no time with "maybe's" and "could have's". She is aware of her needs and how to fulfill them. And she is a spaz when it comes to relationships.

I am a modern woman. While I may get stressed out at work or school, I am always able to come back down at the end of the day. I wouldn't dream of walking into my boss's office and announcing that I was leaving, because despite all of the bullshit that my job entails, I love it. I love my boss, I love my co-workers in a very non-loving way, and deep down I know I love the pressure and the experience. On that same note, I wouldn't stop going to school for anything, not even a million dollars. I love school, my professors, my hour-long debates with my classmates, the homework, and most of all the knowledge I gain by going. School is something I do just for me. But for the life of me, I cannot seem to make a relationship stick.

No, I have never been dumped. I am always the person doing the dumping, due to my severe neurosis about men and love. I sabotage relationships because I hate anything that is unpredictable or that doesn't follow a set formula. With school and work it's simple. Go to class, make good grades, graduate, get a job, work hard, climb the ladder, make money, make partner, make a difference. If you're strong willed and don't mind spending 100 or more hours a week at work, it's cake. It's guaranteed, it's YOURS. But with relationships, there's the other person to worry about. Their feelings, their fears, their path in life and how you can make your different paths somehow run parallel. They demand time and energy and commitment...the C word. Oh, commitment, the evil, wicked word that haunts me in my worst nightmares. Who has time for all that?

Let me just give it to you straight: I do not do commitment well, or at all really. I haven't pin pointed the exact moment that it happens, but any guy dating me is guaranteed fidelity for about the first 5 dates, and after that it's a game of "where's my girlfriend", because here's my train of thought after I am appointed some one's significant other: Why am I with this person? Is he what I want? Do I have time for this relationship? I'm too young for this kind of commitment. His voice bothers me. Is he Jewish? Why does he keep staring at me? Can I wear heels and still be shorter than him? Are we spending too much time together? Is it wrong to sleep with him if I don't plan on staying with him? Does he know I make more money than him? Would it bother him if he did? Is that the same shirt he wore the other night? What would my family think of him? What would our kids look like? Why am I thinking about having kids with him? Is this the age I should be looking for something serious? What does he plan to do with his life? Why hasn't he decided on a career yet? Is that a bad sign? Is it going to bother him that work and school come before him? What will he say when I tell him I only want to see him about every two weeks? Are his teeth naturally straight? Will he understand me having so many friends that are men? What are his views on the war? Is he a Republican? Why does he click his tongue like that when he's reading? How long before I can break up with him, and can I do it via email?

So, you see, there is a lot that goes into the freak out process. I have always thought that when I met the right man, all my bullshit would stop and I would be fine. But I'm starting to see that that theory itself is BS. So, I suppose I'll just have to find someone as crazy as me, because God knows I don't want anyone normal. What fun would that be?