Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Would You Like Fries With That?

When you wake up in the morning, is there a Fast Food rep sitting at your kitchen table, steaming bag of fat in hand?
When you go out for lunch with a friend, is the big red-haired clown himself standing beside you, ordering your lunch and shoving the artery blocking yumminess down your throat?
When you arrive home, do you find teams of marketing associates crowding your kitchen, dreaming up new ways to deep fry everything from pickles to cheesecake?
If you do, I suggest you lay off the LSD. It's not good for you, I don't care how pretty the colors are. But I'm guessing the answer is "No." To a certain degree, what we eat is up to one person, and one person alone. You. You decide when and what you eat. I know that unhealthy food is cheap and quick. I know that cooking is a pain in the ass. Believe me, I am well aware that cheese is by far the most delicious thing put on this earth. I would bathe in it if given the option. But that doesn't excuse the total lack of responsibility that most Americans are taking for their health. By now, I know that everyone has heard of the outlandish and absurd claims against a certain fast food chain, who is being sued for "making people fat". Let me just tell you now, this is the biggest bunch of horse poo I've ever heard IN MY LIFE! It's like a stoner suing his dealer for getting him high. Or a housewife suing her hairdresser for making her blond. There's just no case.
To these people, I'm sorry, LARD ASSES who are filing the claims, I ask you:
1. Did someone from the FFJ(Fast Food Joint) come up to you on the street, drag you into a dark alley, and threaten your life unless you agreed to eat their food three meals a day?All the while, shoving grease soaked fried down your throat?
2. Is the FFJ the only source of food in your town? Has your city boycotted grocery stores? Has the Mayor done away with produce, citing an irrational need to be healthy as the reason for the Fruit Holocaust?
3. Did you have some traumatic experience with health as a child? Did the ability to run, breathe normally, or fit into clothing that isn't made of Lycra or spandex scar you for life? Is the mere sound of an apple crunching or granola bar being chewed enough to send you over the edge?
Seriously. Do you see people doing their weekly shopping at MacDonald's? Is the yearly school health fair held at Burger King? Is Wendy's the answer to your veggie needs? NO! These places serve one kind of food. Fast food. It is not healthy. It is red meat, cheese, bread, fried potatoes, grease, more cheese, fat, cholesterol, calories galore. They are not your source for daily nutrition. Fast food should be eaten maybe once or twice a month, if that. The average diet should have 1,800 calories for women, 2,200 for men. Do you know how many calories are in a large order of fries alone? Upwards of 500. That's a little less than a third of your daily limit. We are not bears hibernating for the winter. We do not need to be eating all that we can eat, stuffing ourselves to the point of puking. There's always tomorrow and another meal. Fast Food will always be there. I understand cravings and munchies as well as the next person, but that is not an excuse for being a hog and then blaming someone else.
If you're going to be fat and unhealthy, at least own up to it. Don't blame other people for your lack of self control. Really, not only is it sad to watch you in court, in your stretch pants, it's just downright infuriating to those of us who actually take care of ourselves.
I was overweight in High School. I loved junk food. I still do. I would eat cheese fries, chocolate cake, and burgers everyday if I could. I would drink ranch dressing if they gave me a straw. But I don't. Not because it's not available to me, but because IT'S NOT GOOD FOR ME.
I do, however, have this vodka that seems to be making me drunk. Think I have a case?

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