Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Insanity IV

It starts out like any other addiction. You see it, it looks fun, tasty, hip, it's what all the cool kids are doing...
I remember the day I took my first sip of REAL coffee. I was sitting on the patio of a little coffee shop on PCHoofestraat in Amsterdam. The waiter brought me my foamy, steaming concoction, and I was chomping at the bit to dive into the wondrous taste adventures that awaited me. That was seven years ago, and I haven't been the same since.
Now, I'm just another lunatic jacked up on enough caffeine to keep a cocaine addict awake three days after his crash. It's sad, really. It's one of America's greatest assets and yet it's one of our greatest downfalls. To answer Elaine's question, No. No, you cannot just have coffee with people anymore. Because coffee is no longer what it was meant to be. In Europe, coffee is sipped slowly at cafes where people relax and take in their environment. Maybe they're there to write a poem, or read a book, or chat with an old friend. In America, people suck it down like they should have it hooked up by IV. They run, sweat stains growing exponentially on their silk crepe covered armpits, in and out of coffee shops with what look like gasoline can sized lattes.
PEOPLE!!! It is not a race to see who can have a stroke first. Coffee is not the new water. There is no reward in showing up to a meeting looking like your Grandma Mimi's ghost sprayed you down with a hose on your way into the office. It is not healthy to pee every three minutes all day long, and no, the hospital can't just give you a catheter "to go".
Americans wonder why they're so stressed out, sleep deprived, and seem to be giving birth only to children who have ADD. They're like crack babies. We won't let them have coffee, so they run around with a straw searching out soda or anything that will keep their perma high going all day. People are now drinking coffee to "come down" from the day's rush that they got from that fifth cup of pure espresso they drank at 3 o'clock. WHAT?! Is Keith Richards now doing a line to come down from the ounce he snorted five minutes ago?
When does it end?
I'll answer that right after I make a fresh pot.

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