Birds And The Bees

Spring is here, and you know what that means. The days are long and hot, school is out, and everyone is starting to get that old familiar feeling. The urge to get out there and make some love. But if you're a single, straight girl who doesn't want to sacrifice her freedom or sanity for the sake of having a boyfriend, what are you to do?

Well, my dears, it's called casual sex...and it's not for the faint of heart. There's been an astounding number of studies done on this in the past few years, and they all pretty much say the same thing. They say that not only is it damaging to our egos and self-esteem, but also just a bad idea. Studies show that women have a hard time separating sex and love, and often are left feeling empty and used after casual sex.

To these studies, I say kiss my grits. Casual sex is not about separating love and sex, it's about the person you choose to have it with. Should you choose to have casual sex with the guy you've been crushing on ever since Junior High who you just know you're meant to be with despite the fact that he's now engaged and living in Texas? No. There is a certain formula to the perfect casual sex, and luckily for you, I'm about to share. And no, this does not make me a big whore who went out and researched "casual sex" for the sake of writing this blog. It makes me a woman with common sense who knows that just because you wanna get laid does not mean that you want to have to hear the question all women who just had amazing non-committal sex dread hearing... "So, you wanna go to dinner with me sometime?"

CASUAL SEX 101:

1. Don't Shit Where You Eat: Or, why you shouldn't sleep with a friend.

This should seem pretty obvious, but DO NOT under any circumstances sleep with a friend, a friend's boyfriend, or a friend's ex-boyfriend. First of all, if you're friends, there's a good reason for it. You enjoy each other's company, and they've probably seen you puke your guts out on more than one occasion. You talk to each other about your sex lives, and all the losers who you've kicked out at 3 am, citing that "you don't have to go home but you can't stay here". They know how you operate, and all the smack you talk about your conquests. They also know that you will most likely be saying the same things about them if things go wrong. But most of all, with friends there's always the potential for feelings to develop...eeewwwww. We're trying to avoid this at all costs. If you wanted to know how to make someone fall in love with you, you'd be reading a blog by Dr. Phil or Miss Cleo. So, just don't do it. You're gonna need someone to dish to about that weirdo who just vacated your bedroom when this is all over.

2. Don't Be A Masochist: Or, why you shouldn't sleep with someone you actually "like like".

DUH! If you like them before you sleep with them, you're only gonna like them even more afterwards. This is a blog about casual sex, not how to manipulate someone into a relationship. That's next month's issue. Everyone you have a crush on, or stalk on a regular basis, is off limits. All sleeping with them will lead to is heartache. You will awake the next morning to find them gathering your clothes and stacking them in the hall for easy access. There will be no English muffins or strolls in the park in your future. Sleeping with a crush will only buy you a one way ticket to delusionville, population: you. So, just don't do it.

3. Listen To The Whores: Or, why your friends know what they're talking about.

If your social scene is anything like mine, most people in your little click have slept with each other. My group of friends is so incestuous, I'd swear we live in West Virginia. So, it stands to reason that if they tell you that someone is bad in bed, or has a small dick/ smelly Va-jay-jay, or has as many STD's as an Argentinian whore, they're right. I know that by now you've developed a filter to block out most info coming from these people, but they are your friends, so try listening to them for once. They speak from experience, they've been there and are hear to tell you that unless you plan on wrapping your body in latex, it's not a good idea. So, just don't do it.

That's pretty much it. If you follow those simple guidelines, you should be on your way to some good old-fashioned I-never-want-to-see-you-again sex in no time. Just remember to be safe, carry condoms, and never go to dinner with someone just because you had sex with them. Really, you don't want to date someone who's that slutty.