Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Are There Crow's Feet in my Baby Fat?

Good Morning Bloggies!!

So, no wedding pics yet. At least not professional ones. I am still waiting!! Biting my nails(the consequences of which we will discuss later in this post)!

In the meantime, let me regale you with the tale of how Shana thought she was getting old.

When I was just a little girl, I watched a LOT of TV with my Nan. We loved TV, and pizza. Lots of TV and pizza. And on the TV, there were always commercials for anti-aging creams. Looking back, I now see that the reason for this abundance of anti-aging cream commercials is the fact that we watched daytime TV. It was just the two of us during the day for Spring Break, or Summer Break, or I-don't-feel-well-cough-cough day.

But anyways, in these commercials, the women are always all close-up to the screen shot, you can see all of their pores, etc. Nan would always say, "Those girls are in their twenties! They don't need the creams to start with!" Well, I was thinking, in my little mind, "Twenty??? That is OLD!"

I'm currently 26.

And I have started to think, "Should I start an anti-aging regimen?" I have convinced myself that I am prone to wrinkles. Every laugh, every scowl, every lift of the brow is a chance for my rapidly aging skin to permanently crease itself like a cotton shirt. I am that woman in the commercial!

So, I was in Ulta the other day with Kristin, and I just "happened" to be perusing the anti-aging cream aisle, when I turned and asked my trusty shopping companion, "Is it too soon to start using this stuff?"

We had this conversation:

Kristin: Just because you're married doesn't mean you're old.

Me: This has nothing to do with marriage. I want to get rid of my crow's feet.

Kristin: Why do you think you have crow's feet? Come here. (leans in close to my eyes). There's nothing there.

Me: Yet. I'm 26, so if I start using them now, I can avoid the wrinkles for a few more years.

Kristin: I'm 26. I'm older than you by 3 months. Does that mean I have 3 months worth of more wrinkles??

Me: No. I'm talking about my own skin paranoia.

Kristin: So you admit it's paranoia and not a real problem?

Me: Don't try and invalidate my feelings.

So yeah, apparently according to the big-brand skin cream companies, women my age need anti-aging creams like NOWNOWNOW. According to my friends I am hormonal. Who am I to believe???? Let's just say I have been slathering my body from head to toe in a mixture of anti-aging and skin firming lotions for the past few days. Because seriously, I do not want to be that woman that wakes up one day and realizes she never took care of her skin and now looks like a worn out leather handbag...or something. My Mother has not wrinkle one and she is 48 years old. I'm not sure if I can hope to pull that off, but I'm sure as hell gonna try. However, my Mother also slathers creams and gels onto her face every night until she looks like that scene from Mrs. Doubtfire where Robin Williams sticks his face in a cake, so perhaps that helps? I don't know, I think it's just good genes. You can't fake that kind of youthful glow.

In a somewhat related topic, I have also always heard that the first thing to show age on a woman is her hands. So, in an attempt to prolong the youthful complexion of my fingers, I have started getting regular manicures. Well, when I say regular, I mean whenever I remember. And when I say remember, I mean when I pick my polish off myself from the last one and then get so disgusted with the result which looks like I let a two year old hack away at my nails with a butter knife that I finally break down and haul my ass to salon and beg them to fix my hideous nails right this instant!

And what I have noticed on these somewhat-regular trips to my nail place is that, similar to a hairdresser, the nail lady is a woman's closest substitute to a therapist there is. She's actually a combination of a therapist and a best friend. She's kind of a captive audience, and you pay her, so she's going to listen to you, and she knows she's getting paid anyways whether she responds or just nods her head in agreement. So maybe a combination of a therapist and a call girl? Anyways, whatever analogy you want to use, they are there to listen. But I'm always surprised at the kinds of things women tell the nail lady.

Women will tell the nail lady all about their marriages, their finances, their children, their parents, their pets, their jobs, their affairs, their friends' affairs, their yeast infections(I know...eeewwwww), their doctor appointments, their hair lady, their cleaning lady, their best friends, their worst enemies. Anything and everything you can think of, the nail lady hears it.

Maybe this is why there is a certain obligation one feels towards the nail lady? If you get your nails done on any sort of regular basis, you know what I mean. If you get a polish change, or fill-in, or any kind of work done whatsoever to your nails...sit down for this...SOMEWHERE ELSE....(omgomgomgomg, take a deep breath), you know she will notice! You have cheated on the nail lady! Or if you, GASP, miss an appointment?? And don't call?? WHAT will she think? Or if you go in on a day other than your regular day and have to take an appointment with someone else who works in the same salon? Oh Holy Cannoli, that is like sleeping with your boyfriend's best friend right there. And depending on how long you and the nail lady have been together, it may even be as bad as sleeping with your husband's best friend...or worse, brother. Because, do you know how hard it is to find a good nail place where you click with your nail lady, and the prices are right, and they do an amazing job? It's harder than finding an apartment for less than your first born in Manhattan. In fact, I believe that is that exact price some women are willing to pay in order to get a good nail lady. Or is that just me?

The moral of the story here, kids, is to moisturize early, never call women in their twenties old, and be faithful to the most important person in your life. The one who does your nails.

So, what about you bloggies? Is there anything you tell your nail lady that you would not tell anyone else? Or do you worry about premature wrinkles??

With smooth skin for now,

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